Bathrobes Obsolete by 2025

Washington D.C. 

Due to a decrease in demand among Generation X’ers and Generation Nexters, bathrobes will be discontinued by all major manufacturers in 2025.  Statistics show that only 10% of Americans below the age of 40 wear bathrobes and those under 30 are unable to identify a bathrobe when presented with one.

Ralph Neighbors, head of Consumer Research at Bed, Bath and Beyond, had this to say, “We’ve conducted numerous focus groups on Generation Nexters, also called the Millennial generation.  When presented with a bathrobe, 75% of the Millennials believed they were looking at ‘a full body bib for really messy eaters.’  20% believed they were looking at ‘a large beach towel with sleeves to protect your cell phone and ipod from the sand.’  The other 5% simply dropped their jaws and stared in stunned bafflement.”  Neighbors went on to say that Americans over the age of 60 are the hardest hit by this decision. 

An interview with remaining Golden Girls, Rose Nyland and Blanche Devereaux, confirmed Neighbors’ assertion.  Rose’s main concern was for her modesty. “In the evenings,” she said, “ there’s nothing more wonderful than to slip out of my clothing and put on a nice, fluffy bathrobe and then lounge around the apartment for a couple of hours before bedtime… I’m afraid I’m going to look awfully funny doing all of that naked.”   Blanche had this to say, “During a little you-know-what with a nice-looking gentleman, a bathrobe is the perfect garment to put on for a quick run to the powder room and then slip off a few minutes later.  This is seriously going to cramp my style.”

For those concerned about the pending discontinuation of bathrobes, there is one hope left.  President Obama is considering a Bathrobe Bailout Program.  “I’m not concerned about how this might affect those on Wall Street,” he said, “but I am concerned about those on Main Street. So, I’m considering putting forth a bill offering $50 million to the large multi-national corporations that supply us with bathrobes.”  When questioned as to his priorities, Obama had this to say, “No matter who we are or where we come from, all Americans are entitled to something warm and fuzzy to wear after a shower.  We can prevent the discontinuation of bathrobes by working together, cooperating.  Can we do it?  I believe we can and I believe we must.”

Congressional Republicans argue that bathrobes are wasteful.  “Towels are perfectly sufficient,” says House Majority Leader Eric Cantor, (R-VA).  “Families should save their bathrobe money.  They’ll be needing it when we overturn Obama’s healthcare reform bill.”

Written by Diana Shapiro