Republican Hopefuls Compete in Dance-a-Thon Fundraiser

Washington D.C.

Desperate for funds in a difficult economic climate, The Republican National Committee (RNC) has scheduled a  Dance-a Thon to raise money for the 2012 Republican presidential hopefuls.  The event will be attended by all declared and soon-to-be-declared Republican candidates as well as private citizens who have raised at least $5000 in pledges.

Since it is strictly a Republican Dance-a-thon, the musical selection will be Republican only.  As such, there will be a wide variety of country music as well as a smattering of Ted Nugent and Donny Osmond numbers.  Dress will be formal, conservative attire.  Men are to wear unimaginative dark suits with unimaginative ties.  Women are to wear dresses that descend below the knees, except for Sarah Palin, who has petitioned the RNC for, and been granted, an exception.

As one of the few Republican candidates who is believed to have some past experience with dancing, Palin is the contestant that all the other candidates will be watching.  Most of the 2012 presidential hopefuls admit they've only danced once, at their wedding.  In this regard, Newt Gingrich is at a slight advantage, having danced at all three of his weddings.  "That's right." Gingrich told The Rotting Onion, "Not only that, I think I busted a move or two when my two divorces were finalized."

Ultra-conservative candidate Michelle Bachmann will be in attendance after long, arduous hours of negotiation with the RNC.  "Michelle told us that she would attend as long as there are no homosexuals present.  She also stipulated that no public health care be permitted, so no paramedics on site to tend to the dancers in case of emergency," reports Reince Priebus of the RNC.  "After several hours of discussion, we came to a reasonable compromise, namely, that no gay paramedics will be permitted at the event. At first, we weren't so sure this was a good idea, but ultimately gave in when she told us she was 'armed and dangerous' on these issues."

In response to Priebus, Bachmann commented, "Why do people always take me so seriously when I say 'armed and dangerous'?"  As for her stipulations, Bachmann hopes that they will elevate the moral character of the event.  "First of all, I don't want homosexuals there because even though I feel great pity, I mean, compassion for them, I don't want them shaking their Satanic hips anywhere in my vicinity.  About the medical issue, this is our chance to show the American people that public health care is only for the weakest, most pathetic among us, namely Democrats."

Mitt Romney announced today that he is looking forward to the Dance-a-Thon to demonstrate that he can, in fact, be consistent.  "I intend to stick with the 'Funky Chicken' all night," he said,  "to show America that once I have an idea, I stick with it, no matter how asinine it makes me look."  Tim Pawlenty and Ron Paul are excited about proving that they are true conservatives.  "This will be our opportunity to show America literally how stiff and inflexible we really are."

The Dance-a-Thon is scheduled for next Friday night and will be televised on, of course, Fox nightly news.


Written by Diana Shapiro
Photos courtesy of clipartoday.com and slick.com