Tuesday, May 7, 2013

To Trim Or To Pluck?

Lou DeCris Sued Revlon Over
Nose Hair Plucker
Lake Wobegon, MN

Revlon was acquitted today in a small claims case brought
by consumer, Lou DeCris of Lake Wobegon, MN.  DeCris claimed that he mistakenly purchased a manual nose hair "plucker" online, when what he really wanted was a battery-operated nose hair "trimmer".  When he sent the product back, Revlon refused the return.

The crux of Mr. DeCris's argument was that ordering the plucker instead of the trimmer was an honest mistake.  He sent the product back promptly, within the 30-day return period, and therefore should be entitled to a full refund.

According to Hugh R. Grosz, Esq., Revlon In-House Counsel, a "plucker" and a "trimmer" are so markedly different that even a turkey would not confuse the two, especially if it's life depended on it.  "Besides, Mr. DeCris's plucker was not returnable because, well, I don't mean to shock anyone, but it was...used.  What kind of Neanderthal is this guy, anyway?"

Upon hearing Grosz's revelation, a gasp of horror spread throughout the courtroom followed by whispered words of disgust and astonishment, until Judge Olly Keiler,  distant cousin of radio personality Garrison Keiler, ordered silence.  
DeCris did not deny having used the product and had this to say about his trial run.  "Plucking out nose hairs one by one is hell.  There is absolutely nothing in my life that has been more unpleasant to me than this nose hair device," he stated emphatically, "except, perhaps, my recurring nightmare about Dick Cheney smiling suggestively at me in a men's restroom and then following me into a stall."  DeCris stopped himself, apparently embarrassed.  "Just kidding," he added, weakly.

Judge Keiler ruled in favor of Revlon, arguing that he was sickened by DeCris's unseemly behavior.  He also criticized DeCris for mentioning his "repulsive" nightmare which will "not easily be forgotten" by those in the courtroom today.

Mr. DeCris' neighbors and friends in Lake Wobegon have taken up a $20 collection to purchase him a top of the line nose hair trimmer.  "I'm a very lucky man.  As we speak, I'm awaiting the delivery of a brand new, Panasonic Vacuum Nose and Ear Hair Trimmer.  Not to be indiscreet, but I also have a little problem with hair growth between my buttocks.  Hopefully, this new trimmer will be just the thing.  If not, I can always return it."

Written by Diana Shapiro
Photo courtesy of http://www.ineverybreath.com

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