tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-75367222454834123702024-02-07T05:49:02.489-08:00The Rotting OnionThe REAL Fake NewsDiana Shapirohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02989366896522249419noreply@blogger.comBlogger78125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7536722245483412370.post-82423152360535116102023-04-26T09:53:00.004-07:002023-04-28T09:09:56.307-07:00The Truth Behind Tucker Carlson's Termination from Fox News<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6YKxhJlnfQLOdBJDv_EfOknB8XgRcV1UcUugagZA1o5JTtgxZ2b3mM6aqNYRo-zEUp4i4tkaIjpxiW8l3JfYigqigR8gTBh7kPypgU_TIawSRMCeGrS1tHC0ZXbzfpbT_-Ml1441ccUrbKF7iuKBQ4SzxrDbhUodtYS7KhjkfHEM0BOfyEdY_3lrq/s249/images.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="249" data-original-width="202" height="249" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6YKxhJlnfQLOdBJDv_EfOknB8XgRcV1UcUugagZA1o5JTtgxZ2b3mM6aqNYRo-zEUp4i4tkaIjpxiW8l3JfYigqigR8gTBh7kPypgU_TIawSRMCeGrS1tHC0ZXbzfpbT_-Ml1441ccUrbKF7iuKBQ4SzxrDbhUodtYS7KhjkfHEM0BOfyEdY_3lrq/s1600/images.jpg" width="202" /></a></div>New York, NY<p></p><p>Fox news enthusiasts all over the U.S. are scratching their heads over Tucker Carlson's termination on Monday. Given the many plausible reasons for the unexpected departure, how can they narrow down the cause, come to an understanding of what happened, and eventually reach a sense of closure?<span></span></p><a name='more'></a>Tucker Carlson was at the top of his game, boasting over three million viewers per night, making his show among the most popular on primetime cable television. He had recently signed a new contract with Fox in 2021 and was making between $15,000,000 and $20,000,000 per year. His sudden termination on Monday left him and his fans stupefied.<p></p><p>Was it his white supremacism? Misogyny? Anti-semitism? The Dominion law suit that cost Fox $787.5 million? The many lies he knowingly told about the 2020 election? With so many perfectly reasonable explanations for his termination, his fans are understandably confused and devastated.</p><p>"With Tucker gone, I am left with a big hole in my schedule at 8 p.m. every night" said fan, Rich Jirkov (55). "It looks like I'm running out of excuses not to read to my kids before they go to bed, or help my wife with the dinner dishes. I'm just beside myself."</p><p>"He helped legitimize people like me," said fan Kyle K. Keats (62). "I've been called a 'racist,' a 'bigot'...heck even my 9 year old son calls me a 'blight on society,' whatever <i>that</i> means. But when I settled down to watch Tucker's show at 8 pm, I felt good about being me, you know what I mean? Tucker really <i>saw</i> me. I felt <i>validated. "</i></p><p>The Rotting Onion reached out to Tucker Carlson for his comments on the situation and was surprised to find him available and eager to share his point of view.</p><p>"I was starting to feel like I could say anything, you know? Sometimes, I would spout all kinds of absurdities just to see what would happen, and nothing ever did. I started to wonder if Rupert even cared. I became more brazen, started acting out more... I felt neglected, like no matter how bad I was, I couldn't get Rupert to pay attention to me...when he finally fired me, there was a sense of relief. I even called and left him a voicemail, inviting him over for dinner with my family. I haven't heard back yet but it's only been a couple of days....he'll call."</p><p>The Rotting Onion wishes all the best to Tucker Carlson and all of his loyal fans. We would also like to suggest that George Santos take the primetime spot in January, 2024 after his current term in Congress ends.</p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p>by Diana Shapiro</p><p>Photo Courtesy of Rolling Stone</p>Diana Shapirohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02989366896522249419noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7536722245483412370.post-47082025589125202902022-02-23T20:05:00.005-08:002022-02-23T20:05:59.521-08:00California Residents Befriend 500 lb. Black Bear<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEianoXJtd1FUV4avSZpfOWESjVVudi6nTQ3OiEV3ntKeptOo7nuSH4S6I3JTnpbHBYRRBq1yOvANctBuQhfYT1MVYk8dF7ii38VpfBxsqd45V7FOVObT_HUM_ajARcE6hHCqvoo42nnsg-jOkAt1UEAIwA9u7fnyeVCMNhWaFPdFUIA9pZ0gpu6hhPs=s225" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="225" data-original-width="225" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEianoXJtd1FUV4avSZpfOWESjVVudi6nTQ3OiEV3ntKeptOo7nuSH4S6I3JTnpbHBYRRBq1yOvANctBuQhfYT1MVYk8dF7ii38VpfBxsqd45V7FOVObT_HUM_ajARcE6hHCqvoo42nnsg-jOkAt1UEAIwA9u7fnyeVCMNhWaFPdFUIA9pZ0gpu6hhPs" width="225" /></a></div>South Lake Tahoe, CA<p></p><p>Hank the Tank, a 500 lb. black bear, has been breaking into South Lake Tahoe homes since last summer, rummaging for food. (Hank particularly loves pizza and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches). This unusual thief eventually won the hearts of South Lake Tahoe residents, who now invite him for dinner on a rotating schedule.</p><span><a name='more'></a></span><p>At first, concern about Hank's break-ins led to several hundred calls to the South Lake Tahoe police station. Officers were dispatched to the scene of the crime many times, only to find Hank calmly sitting at the kitchen table, nibbling on a sandwich or a cookie. After flashing their badges at Hank, he generally seemed unimpressed, responding with a polite request for a tasty drink to help him wash down his meal. "A soda would be great, but I'd also be quite happy with some fruit juice" Hank told the befuddled police officers. "Just nothing alcoholic please. My wife doesn't like it when I drink." </p><p>Eventually, the South Lake Tahoe police stopped dispatching officers to these crime scenes, advising residents to simply make Hank a nice sandwich and be done with it. "And don't forget to serve him a beverage," they added. "No booze. We don't want to get Hank in trouble with his old lady."</p><p>And that's exactly what South Lake Tahoe residents did. </p><p>The Johnson family, who now host Hank on Tuesday nights, reported that Hank showed up uninvited the first time. "But he was such great company, very complimentary about the food...and his stories of growing up in the wilderness were so entertaining." The Johnson's were charmed, and set a regular weekly dinner date with Hank from that point on. Other neighbors soon followed suit. By now, Hank has endeared himself to the South Lake Tahoe community. "Before he leaves, he always tells us we've outdone ourselves," residents report, "and he gives the best goodbye hugs ever."</p><p>The California Department of Fish and Wildlife point to Hank the Tank as an ideal example of how communities can support displaced animals. "We don't think a peanut butter sandwich is too much to ask for, given how human development has encroached on wildlife habitats.... And of course, whenever there is peanut butter involved, there needs to be a tasty beverage to wash it down."</p><p>The Rotting Onion contacted Hank the Tank regarding this article. Due to a busy schedule (family commitments, choir practice, tap dance class, and multiple social engagements), we were not able to arrange an interview at this time. </p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p>Photo courtesy of newsweek.com</p>Diana Shapirohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02989366896522249419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7536722245483412370.post-27969497192388182642022-02-04T05:26:00.007-08:002022-02-05T05:44:00.472-08:00Oakland Couple Cannot Decide Where to Move<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjvTZcMlepamQfkVv5C28kmvU53zp7nBk-MrTMFA-KCw7qBcyEXaAiTYgjzP-UwGq5R-viseXOv5ApsjdvR64iHeKnko-NQRvdBlR5zPQcsE2UUY7oj0ZRHKNREzk6PKZR6FtcSiG2WSASJq-5XPKX9PamPtUVVbsAaNkLkw6yUVYcHpBUHNI01x1Qr=s275" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="183" data-original-width="275" height="183" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjvTZcMlepamQfkVv5C28kmvU53zp7nBk-MrTMFA-KCw7qBcyEXaAiTYgjzP-UwGq5R-viseXOv5ApsjdvR64iHeKnko-NQRvdBlR5zPQcsE2UUY7oj0ZRHKNREzk6PKZR6FtcSiG2WSASJq-5XPKX9PamPtUVVbsAaNkLkw6yUVYcHpBUHNI01x1Qr" width="275" /></a></div>Two years ago, Ben Toolong and May Kalapz decided to move out of their Oakland, CA home. But why are they still there??!!<p></p><span></span><span><a name='more'></a></span><p>In 2017, The Rotting Onion reported on Ben and May, a hard-working Oakland couple in dire need of a vacation, yet unable to agree on where to go. (See: https://therottingonion.blogspot.com/2017/02/oakland-couple-long-overdue-for-vacation.html) Now, Ben and May have an even bigger decision to make. They are ready to move out of the San Francisco Bay Area, but where will they go?</p><p>Ben and May have spent hundreds of hours pouring over the possibilities. May's aging parents live in New Jersey, making it an obvious choice. However, for Ben, who is very sensitive to smell, New Jersey just isn't a viable option, for obvious reasons (no offense meant to our New Jersey subscribers). </p><p>Ben has always loved Hawaii, but May has a heat allergy which causes her to break out in hives when she perspires. "It's so bad," she says, "that it makes you wish you'd only been bitten by 1000 mosquitos all in the same day." As a result of her allergy, May suggests coastal Alaska, where summer temperatures rarely exceed 75 degrees. However, Ben has a phobia that makes Alaska a poor choice, having had recurrent nightmares since childhood about being eaten by a 1,700 lb moose. Although Ben knows that moose are vegetarians, the nightmares still persist. "It's rough," Ben stated. "I have a good life--a great marriage, 15 wonderful cats...but my nights are haunted by aggressive moose nightmares. Not even 10 years of daily psychoanalysis have done the trick." </p><p>Ben and May have been mulling over their options for two years and are no closer to a decision. Their friends have grown tired of making suggestions. "I think they're too indecisive to ever leave Oakland," commented good friend and neighbor, Barry Skeptikal. "After watching them fail to go on vacation year after year, I have good reason for my doubts." Other friends have told Ben and May how much they will be missed when they leave the Bay Area, only to turn to each other and whisper, "like THAT's ever going to happen" when they believe Ben and May are out of earshot.</p><p>The Rotting Onion wishes Ben and May luck in their decision-making process and suggests Ben watch Rocky and Bullwinkle reruns until his fear of moose subsides.</p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><img border="0" class="placeholder" id="d4b81d6ad261c" src="https://www.blogger.com/img/transparent.gif" style="background-color: #d8d8d8; background-image: url('https://fonts.gstatic.com/s/i/materialiconsextended/insert_photo/v6/grey600-24dp/1x/baseline_insert_photo_grey600_24dp.png'); background-position: 50% 50%; background-repeat: no-repeat; opacity: 0.6;" /></div><p></p>Diana Shapirohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02989366896522249419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7536722245483412370.post-47032210623642482962022-01-28T04:24:00.003-08:002022-01-28T04:26:05.164-08:00McConnell Reacts to Biden's Intention to Nominate a Black Woman to the Supreme Court<p></p><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhb4UbZgj6rkb3CiujcRcpX88HYr2MTUy8RirQkxTHRnYp-1Ez__TK4YRcR3P_69AvCLeCg4pKlykTsPsUJQDfmfmfXFaeRqykPZcAkfFQqHWsXfGetJToTplEp4QS0yzq4reJIeW6SgCZuDZPOd8uVMn0JPSYkCNu1MKys9LnH33fWOV9kDoUEOikn=s560" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="272" data-original-width="560" height="132" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhb4UbZgj6rkb3CiujcRcpX88HYr2MTUy8RirQkxTHRnYp-1Ez__TK4YRcR3P_69AvCLeCg4pKlykTsPsUJQDfmfmfXFaeRqykPZcAkfFQqHWsXfGetJToTplEp4QS0yzq4reJIeW6SgCZuDZPOd8uVMn0JPSYkCNu1MKys9LnH33fWOV9kDoUEOikn=w272-h132" width="272" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">McConnell dismayed at the prospect of <br />a black woman on the Supreme Court<br /><br /></span></span></td></tr></tbody></table> January 27, 2022<p></p><p>Louisville, KY<br /></p><p>Mitch McConnell, (R-KY), expressed deep concern when Joe Biden announced today that he intends to nominate a black woman to the Supreme Court next month. <span></span></p><a name='more'></a><p></p><p>McConnell, who believes that citizenship was only granted to African Americans within the past few days, said that although he "is not a racist," he does believe that black women should have "more time to integrate" into their new status as citizens before taking on a role as important as Supreme Court Justice. "I'm not prejudiced," he said, "but it'd be akin to telling someone who just learned to throw a discus that he was going to compete in the Olympic games." When asked how he imagined Clarence Thomas landed his position, McConnell said that he had always assumed Thomas was naturalized as a citizen after marrying his Caucasian wife, Virginia, in 1987.</p><p>McConnell then had this to say about the composition of the Supreme Court, "We've done an incredible job of stacking it in our own favor without sacrificing diversity. Clarence Thomas and Amy Coney Barrett are alibis, I mean to say, proof, that we don't discriminate based on skin color or gender. So, I say to the Dems, we don't care what the nominee looks like, just so long as it's not some lefty, pinko radical Jew like Bernie Sanders, please... though, I repeat, I'm not a racist." </p><p>Say what you will, McConnell's winning personality and boyish good looks continue to earn him popularity in the Senate and in his home state of Kentucky. </p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p> </p>Diana Shapirohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02989366896522249419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7536722245483412370.post-13479788157472128762021-12-01T07:20:00.001-08:002021-12-03T04:25:03.086-08:00First Germophobic Dog Speaks Out<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJC8GIlEldTwrGmC4eNg6H-PyUe05dUkJ0HYyVouJOEWGshVfokU6A39Bej-3e9hLe3ztUXxp4-FrHAEc1ZRol7aCJYkUYzyGpj_6mmrE76z3r3wsq9lukBK_NmXU07UOqOv0pgKKIDLI/s1600/germophobic+dog.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="186" data-original-width="272" height="136" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJC8GIlEldTwrGmC4eNg6H-PyUe05dUkJ0HYyVouJOEWGshVfokU6A39Bej-3e9hLe3ztUXxp4-FrHAEc1ZRol7aCJYkUYzyGpj_6mmrE76z3r3wsq9lukBK_NmXU07UOqOv0pgKKIDLI/s200/germophobic+dog.jpg" width="200" /></a></div><br />
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Mr. Clean lives with the Thompson family in Daly City, CA, but he is not your average family dog. Sure, he loves a good bone as much as the next dog and has never turned down a trip to the P-A-R-K, but unlike his peers, he also spends most of his waking hours cleaning the family home from top to bottom.<br />
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"Maybe it's because I'm a Virgo," Mr. Clean told the Rotting Onion, "but I can't tolerate filth. The Thompson's are busy people, so I decided to take matters into my own paws."<br />
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Mrs. Thompson feels nothing but pride over her beloved canine. "Mr. Clean's the best. With both of us working full-time and two small children to raise, the house chores do get neglected. Mr. Clean always picks up the slack. He does such a good job on the floors, licking and licking until they shine. The same with the dishes and the bathtub! He also helps us put things away, which is a big job for him because he can only take one item in his mouth at a time."<br />
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Said Mr. Thompson, "We hit the Jackpot with Mr. Clean. If we had to pay a house cleaner, it would cost us a bundle. To be sure, he's not perfect. When he makes the beds, it's a little sloppy and let's just say I'm glad he only cleans out the refrigerator once a month, but in general, he does a bang up job!"<br />
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Kayla, the Thompson's seven year old, had this to say about her four-legged friend. "He takes a bubble bath with me every single night. Then, he takes another one with my little brother. He won't get in bed until he's helped me pick up my dirty laundry from the floor and put it in the basket. He's my very best friend."<br />
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The Thompson's neighbors have been impressed by Mr. Clean's spotless appearance and flowery scent, even on the muddiest of days. "Thank you," Mr. Clean always replies. "I take great pride in my personal hygiene. I don't know if you've noticed, but my teeth are pearly white because I brush three times per day."<br />
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As much as he is beloved by his human companions, Mr. Clean is not very popular among the neighborhood dogs, who consider him neurotic and just plain weird. Although he is all too aware of their judgments and gossip, Mr. Clean holds his head up high. "Since I was a puppy, I've always wanted to distinguish myself in some way, to accomplish something out of the ordinary. Today, I work for the Thompson's and who knows? Maybe someday I'll make it all the way to the White House!"<br />
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Written by Diana Shapiro<br />
Photo Courtesy of petmd.com<br />
<br />Diana Shapirohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02989366896522249419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7536722245483412370.post-87838459955101443972021-10-01T07:33:00.000-07:002021-12-03T04:30:28.986-08:00Voter Fraud in 2020 Elections<div class="separator" style="clear: both;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuGrl74knJrcynKuzDffm8zpaxP5QivXJ_8N9zEHaZPD8lrXx7ce6LGWjv9-ON9oYWlJeuvV7Y5VISgEsImNqcm8l98tvQh4UPg6-2l4X7ttCNUh5qCerrKK-KlZXgahalWHwuMqQKwfk/s275/images.jpeg" style="clear: left; display: block; float: left; padding: 1em 0px; text-align: center;"><img alt="" border="0" data-original-height="183" data-original-width="275" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuGrl74knJrcynKuzDffm8zpaxP5QivXJ_8N9zEHaZPD8lrXx7ce6LGWjv9-ON9oYWlJeuvV7Y5VISgEsImNqcm8l98tvQh4UPg6-2l4X7ttCNUh5qCerrKK-KlZXgahalWHwuMqQKwfk/s320/images.jpeg" width="320" /></a>
</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>Wellington, New Zealand</div><div><br /></div><div>In a democracy, all votes should be counted, but only if they are legal. Some voters use fake identities to cast multiple votes, which throws the integrity of the election into question. No winner should be declared until the identities of each and every voter are verified and it has been determined that they have only cast one vote.
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In addition, sentencing for voter fraud should be severe and costly, in order to deter would-be cheaters. Elections have become quite divided as the two sides drift further and further apart. As a result, poll watchers should be allowed to observe the counting of votes from up close.</div><div><br />
<div style="clear: both; float: none;"></div>In this week's New Zealand elections, amateurs of forest birds went head to head with sea bird enthusiasts in the 2020 Bird of the Year contest. Yesterday, it was determined beyond reasonable doubt by the Board of Elections that 1,500 fake votes were submitted. As a result, the kiwi pukupuku, a flightless, forest bird jumped way ahead, surpassing the kakopo and the antipodean albatross. The illegal votes were cast in the middle of the night by Internet and the identities of the offenders have yet to be determined. The contest will continue through Sunday. With the illegal votes discounted, the antipodean albatross leads the race, by a slim margin, over the the kakopo.</div><div><br />
<div style="clear: both; float: none;"></div>However, kiwi pukupuku enthusiasts refuse to acknowledge that they have fallen behind. "This election is rigged," said New Zealander Ronald Stump. "STOP THE STEAL!" Another kiwi pukupuku amateur, Donnell Crump, was arrested for a plot to kidnap all sea bird enthusiasts until the end of the voting period. Fortunately, New Zealand intelligence got wind of the plot in time to thwart it. The winner of the Bird of the Year contest could be announced as soon as Sunday, but due to the number of mail-in ballots received, it is more likely that there will be a delay of at least several days while the votes are counted. In the meantime, New Zealanders are on pins and needles. Stress eating and trichotilomania (pulling out your own hair) are on the rise as citizens attempt to manage their anxiety. Stay tuned over the next few days for ongoing, round-the-clock, alarmist coverage that increases your anxiety exponentially.
</div></div>Diana Shapirohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02989366896522249419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7536722245483412370.post-77371083432266699002021-06-01T07:21:00.000-07:002021-12-03T04:26:41.560-08:00Pigeon Afraid of Heights, Forced to Take Public Transit<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6y6BiDJRI6-jcQ5brIMCnhsFGrzvDyIjNrS2tmvTxuanbBujuk6P17eMOX9mVHxrBTysuqESQHUS_E41h9xwn_wQHtqtcrcqA-i9VGZf_jNnBAcYR2QARpHLMgdjRe5vv9uVrCeVDxHw/s1600/pigeon_jpg_15556.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6y6BiDJRI6-jcQ5brIMCnhsFGrzvDyIjNrS2tmvTxuanbBujuk6P17eMOX9mVHxrBTysuqESQHUS_E41h9xwn_wQHtqtcrcqA-i9VGZf_jNnBAcYR2QARpHLMgdjRe5vv9uVrCeVDxHw/s200/pigeon_jpg_15556.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Prescilla prefers the window seat</td></tr>
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Sacramento, CA<br />
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Prescilla (2), a pigeon born and raised in Roseville, CA, may be the first bird to publicly admit her fear of heights. Ever since she fell from her nest as a young chick, sustaining several scrapes and cuts as well as a bruised ego, Prescilla has shied away from flying in favor of taking ground transportation.<br />
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Passengers on Sacramento trains and busses have become quite accustomed to sitting next to Prescilla on their ride. "She's very respectful," reports commuter Edward Cruz. "I've never once seen a white spot on the seat after she gets off the bus." <br />
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Roslyn Green, Sacramento bus driver, echoes Cruz's opinion. "Prescilla is one of my favorite passengers. She never blasts a boombox or has loud cell phone conversations like a lot of my other passengers do. She just comes in, jumps up to her seat, and minds her own business. I never charge her, either, because I know how hard it is to be a pigeon in the city, where everyone thinks you're dirty and useless and no one will give you a job."<br />
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Indeed, Prescilla's impeccable behavior may be contributing to a change in attitude towards pigeons in the Sacramento area. Mayor Kevin Johnson is even considering a Pigeon Pride Parade this summer, complete with floats and marching bands, featuring Prescilla leading the parade on foot, where she is most comfortable.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFceh0QrloD-y_M9mp66iTl0DFUo8WzHCPPqwhTYu930FOrlA6XreGsCyzy_T6EygCKcoaLIU8N0HD4oox0OlMKQsAPtdU3ZMHk0t0NHGM8KoDCT2ciVE6wgtu26NUMO6Rby9r1kLaDD8/s1600/photo+(1).JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFceh0QrloD-y_M9mp66iTl0DFUo8WzHCPPqwhTYu930FOrlA6XreGsCyzy_T6EygCKcoaLIU8N0HD4oox0OlMKQsAPtdU3ZMHk0t0NHGM8KoDCT2ciVE6wgtu26NUMO6Rby9r1kLaDD8/s200/photo+(1).JPG" width="150" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Prescilla prefers to travel <br />
at non-peak hours</td></tr>
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"I never expected this kind of recognition," Prescilla admits tearfully. "Because of my fear of heights, other birds have been looking down on me since I was a chick. Now, they are asking for photos and autographs. I'm completely verklempt." <br />
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Now that she is practically a celebrity, Prescilla has ambitious plans for the future. "I figure, why stop at riding public transportation? The truth is, I've always wanted to be an actress."<br />
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The Rotting Onion wishes Prescilla luck and encourages its readership to support her burdgeoning career.<br />
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Written by Diana Shapiro<br />
First photo: Unknown source<br />
Second photo courtesy of: <a href="http://grr.ca/2009/08/20/pigeon-bus">grr.ca/2009/08/20/pigeon-bus</a><br />
<br />Diana Shapirohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02989366896522249419noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7536722245483412370.post-75483047276761824002021-05-25T23:11:00.000-07:002021-12-03T04:27:33.521-08:00Family in Uproar Over Grandma's Apple Cake Recipe<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Florence Cohen thinks her family is 'meshugeneh.'</td></tr>
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Berkeley, CA<br />
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Florence Cohen, 91, is a Russian Jewish immigrant, a proud mother of three, and grandmother of five. As the matriarch of her family, Florence is known for being generous, kind and hospitable. She is also known for her skill in the kitchen, most notably her other-worldly apple cake, which she has been making for her children and grandchildren since they can remember. <br />
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The cake is soft and flaky, layered with granny smith apples and then sprinkled with a goodly amount of cinnamon sugar. Florence prepares her heavenly apple cake for holidays and family gatherings throughout the year.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ordinary raisins ignite family controversy.</td></tr>
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This holiday season, Florence attempted something brand new: raisins in her apple cake recipe. A friend suggested it. "Why not?" she asked herself. "Let's live dangerously." Little did she know what mayhem this little experiment would bring to her family.<br />
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"Mom really went off the deep end this time," complained Florence's eldest daughter Margie. "I'm taking her to see her neurologist ASAP."<br />
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Florence's eldest son, Eddie, a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, could not emphasize enough how terribly upset he felt about the apple raisin cake. "I felt that Mommy spit all over our family tradition this past Chanukah," he reported angrily. "I don't mean to be overly dramatic, but I've begun to question whether she still loves me." Eddie hasn't spoken to his mother since the night in question. He has, however, resumed his own analysis to work on his "mother issues."<br />
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The Cohens have demanded to know who was responsible for the hideous raisin suggestion, however Florence remains tight-lipped on the subject. Her progeny will not rest until the accomplice has been identified.<br />
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"I've looked through her outgoing call log for that day," reported Charlene, one of the grandchildren present for the holiday dinner in question. "The problem is that grandma called a number of her friends that day, probably to wish them a happy Chanukah. It makes it impossible to narrow down."<br />
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Margie is suspicious of Florence's 90-year old best friend, Pearl Schwartz. "Pearl is always butting in where she shouldn't. Respirator or no respirator, there will be hell to pay if I find out that this was her big idea." Margie's younger brother Andrew concurs. "I don't mean to be profane," he began, "but that Pearl is a real nudnik."<br />
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So upset is Andrew that he has offered a $10 reward for information leading to the apprehension of Florence's accomplice. "What, you want that I should spend my whole life savings on this?"<br />
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Florence Cohen had this to say about the raisin fiasco, "Oi gevald! My family is completely meshugeneh. So much tsores they bring me, I could plotz."<br />
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Written by Diana Shapiro<br />
Photos courtesy of www.jeremyandmindy.blogspot.com and www.womagz.netDiana Shapirohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02989366896522249419noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7536722245483412370.post-47616573891215682122021-05-24T06:41:00.007-07:002021-05-24T07:01:48.732-07:00Donald Trump to Volunteer at Local Animal Shelter<p><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgir-CQbQCAjFPoU7Xvdu8M2mVY3-_puoIySy8nF68TlU13tDKrpP_6YViLUSoJUNM5fVpYFNPQK7KV6tANFe5g4l12f0gLjiHFnRPzbIfRGyFG74VEE2pIHbVFbQTwy3rn-LGsZLmUU4M/s489/IMG-1793.JPG" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="401" data-original-width="489" height="164" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgir-CQbQCAjFPoU7Xvdu8M2mVY3-_puoIySy8nF68TlU13tDKrpP_6YViLUSoJUNM5fVpYFNPQK7KV6tANFe5g4l12f0gLjiHFnRPzbIfRGyFG74VEE2pIHbVFbQTwy3rn-LGsZLmUU4M/w200-h164/IMG-1793.JPG" width="200" /></a></div><p>West Palm Beach, Florida</p><p>Former President Trump, finding himself with more time on his hands recently, has decided to volunteer at a local, non-profit animal shelter. </p> "I'm coming to really appreciate animals, dogs especially," said Mr. Trump. "They're loyal to a fault. They don't turn on you no matter how much of a jackass you are. Whatever absurdity comes out of your mouth doesn't faze them one bit. I think I've found my perfect audience."<p></p><p></p><a name='more'></a>
The Former President will devote about 20 hours a week to the shelter, approximately the same amount of time he used to spend on Twitter and Facebook. "They did me a favor by banning me, " Trump reported. "Now, I have more time to develop myself as a human being." Since retirement, Trump has surprised his staff with his choice of activities. He has learned to knit, and he has taken a ballet intro class for adults. "I've always had a soft spot for the ballet," Trump admitted. <p></p><p>With a number of civil and criminal lawsuits bearing down on him, the Former President feels that the busier he stays, the better. "If I'm not volunteering, I'll have too much time to think and feel bad about all the mean people who want to get me in trouble." </p><p>Unlike the other volunteers, Mr. Trump will not be cleaning cages or walking dogs. "I've carved a special role out for myself, entertaining the dogs and cats with stories of my successes and exploits." </p><p>The Rotting Onion wishes Mr. Trump well in his new endeavor and suggests that he bring lots of treats to story time in order to ensure its success.</p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Diana Shapirohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02989366896522249419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7536722245483412370.post-39267193164331155762021-05-01T10:40:00.000-07:002021-12-03T04:29:32.327-08:00Perfectly Good Date Ruined by Foul Manners<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijwzgYOY-V0DKuVr8m4bVfoGVECDePefcqEp3XwWaizCogQ8jjONvukj-PJQrZE6PPr6z78B9PznZFk6Z1G_BmZtAyYPC9NKfzgau8P6F9LbbDnP2ESgP75lGiwMCYxFQUw1LtcEdTWFo/s1600/platelicker.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijwzgYOY-V0DKuVr8m4bVfoGVECDePefcqEp3XwWaizCogQ8jjONvukj-PJQrZE6PPr6z78B9PznZFk6Z1G_BmZtAyYPC9NKfzgau8P6F9LbbDnP2ESgP75lGiwMCYxFQUw1LtcEdTWFo/s200/platelicker.jpg" width="165" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Barbarian Tracy Lawrence licks her plate</td></tr>
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<span class="rg_ctlv"><span id="rg_hr"> Berkeley, CA</span></span><br />
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<span class="rg_ctlv"><span id="rg_hr">Last night, a perfectly good first date was ruined when Tracy Lawrence (37) picked up her plate to lick the remaining bechamel sauce from her delicious vegetable lasagna. Her date, Ron Crystal (43), watched helplessly as the spectacle unfolded. </span></span><br />
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<span class="rg_ctlv"><span id="rg_hr">'Il Goloso' is a trendy Italian restaurant in Berkeley's popular 'Gourmet Ghetto' serving fresh, homemade dishes and excellent wine. 'Il Goloso' caters to a refined, well-mannered clientele. No one on staff had ever witnessed behavior remotely as barbaric as what they saw last night.</span></span><br />
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<span class="rg_ctlv"><span id="rg_hr">"This is a tasteful establishment," comments owner Nolicki D'Plati. "I have never seen such grotesque behavior here before. People like Tracy Lawrence should be eating in a cage at the Oakland zoo, not in my fine restaurant."</span></span><br />
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<span class="rg_ctlv"><span id="rg_hr">Ron Crystal, Tracy's date, is disappointed, yet relieved that Tracy revealed her true nature on the first date. "Mostly, I'm having a lot of self-doubt about my taste in women...I mean, she really seemed like a nice girl when I asked her out. Who knew she would turn out to be such a monster? The whole incident has me very shaken up." </span></span><br />
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<span class="rg_ctlv"><span id="rg_hr">Crystal was not the only patron to be shaken up by last night's incident. Some walked out. Others remained in their seats, frozen in horror.</span></span><br />
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<span class="rg_ctlv"><span id="rg_hr">David Ricci (48) complains, "Is there no refuge for well-behaved people in these savage times?" </span></span><br />
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<span class="rg_ctlv"><span id="rg_hr">Estelle Goldman (76) remarks, "It's bad enough I had heartburn from the tomato sauce, but should I also have to dine with Godzilla? I tell you, I feel sorry for that poor man." </span></span><br />
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<span class="rg_ctlv"><span id="rg_hr">Berkeley police escorted Tracy Lawrence out of Il Goloso in handcuffs. Late last night, Nolicki D'Plati decided to drop charges of public endangerment, given that no one suffered physical harm during the incident. Lawrence met with the Rotting Onion to tell her side of the story, however, since she was talking with her mouth full of food, our reporter was too disgusted to carry out the interview. </span></span><br />
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<span class="rg_ctlv"><span id="rg_hr">Written by Diana Shapiro</span></span><br />
<span class="rg_ctlv"><span id="rg_hr">Photo courtesy of www.smh.com.au</span></span>Diana Shapirohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02989366896522249419noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7536722245483412370.post-40100462581845420022020-12-16T09:32:00.007-08:002021-07-27T05:10:32.855-07:005 Sexiest Men of 2020<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br /></div></div></div><br /><p><br /></p><p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1ch4MQOP6_4iDJCEXKGyLGcX4jpZSZt8WC2g9ZVkjTFjAx3Y29AuDOIcEFnJ9EPYjfcmJRzQ9ZtQ8E5sH6nVXyo-LPfvVNq_48cpZ1eHpU-iRku1j9i87JEt2tts__TTmO6z1kYzmXX4/s230/images.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="230" data-original-width="219" height="154" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1ch4MQOP6_4iDJCEXKGyLGcX4jpZSZt8WC2g9ZVkjTFjAx3Y29AuDOIcEFnJ9EPYjfcmJRzQ9ZtQ8E5sH6nVXyo-LPfvVNq_48cpZ1eHpU-iRku1j9i87JEt2tts__TTmO6z1kYzmXX4/w146-h154/images.jpg" width="146" /></a></div><br />The Rotting Onion has chosen our 5 sexiest men of 2020! This year's bad boys are a distinguished group of celebs that will knock your socks off!<p></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><a name='more'></a> <p></p><p> </p><p><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKGXc5_Ud6cwyuOgXXjDHfTnZDofJ33AH3w3hUpnY2IfgSmBn6RlmY_HNxLz3Zbgv_iLM8Uaqf3rnd6EkyvBo2O56Ob6QhdIhxIuDcBAQUY4k7HV2uMEDdxix27PY_DB2KT8rrqWmwIiw/s225/biography.jpg" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="225" data-original-width="225" height="155" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKGXc5_Ud6cwyuOgXXjDHfTnZDofJ33AH3w3hUpnY2IfgSmBn6RlmY_HNxLz3Zbgv_iLM8Uaqf3rnd6EkyvBo2O56Ob6QhdIhxIuDcBAQUY4k7HV2uMEDdxix27PY_DB2KT8rrqWmwIiw/w155-h155/biography.jpg" width="155" /></a>#1 Let's start with Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, who enchants the ladies and gents with his coy smile and bedroom eyes. Bad news! Thomas is already spoken for.<br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJQ0kBwKVJZM5AEU6LQP7e14lNVOAScM0eryJlpBz7muztcVsiM5xKD5ghrF-4ZDQ9tdvRaB8DGsCsM237HDW79usEbBopL7p5XTcmOGeKmEiYTS21q2sgPjbWX1rSWUfcR6T5qJW-tIQ/s318/extranewsfeed.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="159" data-original-width="318" height="110" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJQ0kBwKVJZM5AEU6LQP7e14lNVOAScM0eryJlpBz7muztcVsiM5xKD5ghrF-4ZDQ9tdvRaB8DGsCsM237HDW79usEbBopL7p5XTcmOGeKmEiYTS21q2sgPjbWX1rSWUfcR6T5qJW-tIQ/w220-h110/extranewsfeed.jpg" width="220" /></a></div>#2 Mitch McConnell, Kentucky Senator and Senate Majority Leader<div>In addition to being rich, successful and powerful, Mitch McConnell is a demon on the dance floor! He is well known for his twerking, arguably the best bun shaker in the GOP. </div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXQGxfZR1wj6PBDrAZ3Fihvpmtv4yU-GWsFWVRpayYCXmCulC10cUj50bU_ltkY8-FDsD6LwC7Ui29CJxPEEiklGxJztPn3PwTc0LXtxfVVSxHXVXLPkSJYMJQYC0VUS-fGeLVqRgykiM/s300/marketwatch.jpg" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="168" data-original-width="300" height="120" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXQGxfZR1wj6PBDrAZ3Fihvpmtv4yU-GWsFWVRpayYCXmCulC10cUj50bU_ltkY8-FDsD6LwC7Ui29CJxPEEiklGxJztPn3PwTc0LXtxfVVSxHXVXLPkSJYMJQYC0VUS-fGeLVqRgykiM/w214-h120/marketwatch.jpg" width="214" /></a></div><div><br /></div>#3 Let's not forget Former Vice President Dick Cheney, who charms ladies and gents alike with his bad boy facial expressions! Sorry to disappoint, folks! Cheney is a happily married man.<br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJKBxKdH7Ki2XkiARlqs4vD1fP8KGgkFC8F9PgEworcdG6H2V3YwdVisYk5BUR3ARcuOT9EW-c7-ZF12SVw73zBRHPuZIU5MZuGCqYHpFrDCTAafFaIP6Q3O-wCTDIE2Z4AeK81p59Ir8/s275/vanityfair.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="183" data-original-width="275" height="125" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJKBxKdH7Ki2XkiARlqs4vD1fP8KGgkFC8F9PgEworcdG6H2V3YwdVisYk5BUR3ARcuOT9EW-c7-ZF12SVw73zBRHPuZIU5MZuGCqYHpFrDCTAafFaIP6Q3O-wCTDIE2Z4AeK81p59Ir8/w188-h125/vanityfair.jpg" width="188" /></a></div>#4 Former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani, currently the attorney to President Donald Trump. Giuliani is a snappy dresser and a smooth talker. I'd bet you'd like to invite Rudy into your hotel room for a good time!<br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-1gXaRUljF8cxTEJ_ooDWoBAXlq55zG_F_2-yuRa56SQDac099PGs46NRYbht8Snoh44qBrlg_7N1PRXMOw6MPXdLzuuYa-zRzYjh7veZZSQU9dqNWdVdoqol4_C4SeZq4woamsTH19A/s291/theitem.jpg" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="291" data-original-width="173" height="151" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-1gXaRUljF8cxTEJ_ooDWoBAXlq55zG_F_2-yuRa56SQDac099PGs46NRYbht8Snoh44qBrlg_7N1PRXMOw6MPXdLzuuYa-zRzYjh7veZZSQU9dqNWdVdoqol4_C4SeZq4woamsTH19A/w90-h151/theitem.jpg" width="90" /></a></div>#5 Kim Jong-un, Supreme Leader of North Korea. One look into his hypnotic eyes, and you're smitten. He wants your complete devotion and adulation, and you want to give it to him. He dazzles you with his virility. His sultry uniform only makes you wish you could remove it slowly, button by button. Don't let his stiff appearance fool you. This Supreme Leader does not disappoint, if you know what I mean.<p></p></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>Written by Diana Shapiro</div><div><br /></div><div>Photo of Clarence Thomas courtesy of biography.com</div><div>Photo of Mitch McConnell courtesy of extranewsfeed.com</div><div>Photo of Dick Cheney courtesy of marketwatch.com</div><div>Photo of Rudy Giuliani courtesy of Vanity Fair</div><div>Photo of Kim Jong-un courtesy of theitem.com</div>Diana Shapirohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02989366896522249419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7536722245483412370.post-16318511605608915502020-12-13T15:41:00.002-08:002020-12-14T09:31:28.594-08:00An apology, Donald Trump Style<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj05MR66_eL0IoaAAjAnvzTUX3Fafr4RUbsI4uS_cIsOsc_93rhTe6sm1wOWkUAYQ1aeVuWczzyChxqPnwwS5vykdrsDIyi8oQKOmBR-57XmtOBkvZ3qGGV-S_NedMHv0ffyS4lls47wIY/" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="1152" data-original-width="2048" height="142" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj05MR66_eL0IoaAAjAnvzTUX3Fafr4RUbsI4uS_cIsOsc_93rhTe6sm1wOWkUAYQ1aeVuWczzyChxqPnwwS5vykdrsDIyi8oQKOmBR-57XmtOBkvZ3qGGV-S_NedMHv0ffyS4lls47wIY/w252-h142/capitalgazette.jpg" width="252" /></a></div>Washington D.C. <p></p><p>The moment we have all been waiting for is finally here. In a uncharacteristically somber moment, President Trump issued an apology to the American people for trying to overturn the democratic election of Joe Biden/Kamala Harris, for failing to respond to the global pandemic and allowing over 300,000 American deaths, for disrespecting women, for not taking a firm stand against white supremacy and extremism, and more generally for being a "nudnik" over the past four years.</p><p>"I have been a nudnik," he told the press, "but I have done a tremendous job of it. No one in all of American history, except possibly Richard Nixon, has been a bigger nudnik than I have," he boasted.<a name='more'></a></p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIqv8lOmZ28kOZme11yTZEDaiB-AYqCwFvka2VUw5LxsGU_w4AB8LVLPcU-M9T5GukJXWWwiOIGSJKY00qjFoFxAxbLSurjs5d-ZHcuyrIp8ESCxNN5m8ZOp9Cbwy8IDLFQcrOKsutn3w/s580/WMNU-FM.png" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="440" data-original-width="580" height="151" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIqv8lOmZ28kOZme11yTZEDaiB-AYqCwFvka2VUw5LxsGU_w4AB8LVLPcU-M9T5GukJXWWwiOIGSJKY00qjFoFxAxbLSurjs5d-ZHcuyrIp8ESCxNN5m8ZOp9Cbwy8IDLFQcrOKsutn3w/w200-h151/WMNU-FM.png" width="200" /></a></div>"Everything I said and did was with the intention to benefit the American people. And occasionally I may have been wrong," he continued, "but at least I didn't use my personal email account for government business, like Hillary Gorillary. And I'm not the smooth-talking seductive type like Bill Clinton. (Women know exactly how little I respect them before I grab them by the you-know-what). I never said I was a perfect person, although come to think of it, I'm closer to perfect than anyone else I know." Trump flashed his winning smile. <p></p><p><br /></p><p>To conclude the press conference, President Trump, as only he would, congratulated himself for the outstanding apology. "Wow, " he began, "this has been the most long-awaited, the most televised, and the most tremendous apology anyone has ever made. If I'd have known just how good I would be at it, I might have considered doing it years ago. My own brilliance never ceases to amaze me." </p><p><br /></p><p>-Photos courtesy of Capital Gazette and WMNU-FM</p><p> <br /></p>Diana Shapirohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02989366896522249419noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7536722245483412370.post-68760329897296083852020-11-12T15:12:00.006-08:002020-11-12T15:16:02.342-08:00Million Maga March! Be there or Be....<p>Million MAGA March on Saturday in D.C.</p><p><br /></p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbLUnZHxZ0UFvV8I9HLd7L0_l-PbUIK0l7fbNPv-hKlkJNolvMsulPQJxbUoU5tky1hc3RpxZXCXqRJA8E9kb-nYWaJ5Ac2AC4FdMZe_MzUNQy_u7JeKQoAj1tF5DzPVfZuBdQSo3BdIc/s150/MAGA.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="85" data-original-width="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbLUnZHxZ0UFvV8I9HLd7L0_l-PbUIK0l7fbNPv-hKlkJNolvMsulPQJxbUoU5tky1hc3RpxZXCXqRJA8E9kb-nYWaJ5Ac2AC4FdMZe_MzUNQy_u7JeKQoAj1tF5DzPVfZuBdQSo3BdIc/s0/MAGA.jpg" /></a></div><br /><p></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p>Washington D.C. </p><div><br /></div>For all those loyal Americans who refuse to acknowledge the outcome of a fair but morally illegitimate election process, your presence is requested at 12 noon at the Freedom Plaza on Saturday in Washington D.C. <div><br /></div><div>If you feel that your 1st amendment rights have been violated due to your membership in QAnon, Proud Boys, or other Pro-American organizations, you are not alone. If you feel that you have been discriminated against in this country for being white, don't back down, for you are in the company of great people who would rather kill than see this democracy continue. If you feel that President Trump has done a tremendous job of handling the coronavirus epidemic, please don't listen to the families of the 250,000 who have supposedly died from the disease. It is a complete hoax. Democrats have furnished no proof that those 250,000 people are really dead. They might actually be hidden in a secret cave guarded by Democrats, the same cave in which they hide child molesters from would-be prosecutors until their offenses are long forgotten. </div><div><br /></div><div>It is time to make America great again! For the past 50+ years, things are getting steadily worse for white Americans, and it is time to take our country back. </div><div><br /></div><div>Right now, the median white family makes 41 x more than the median black family, but do you remember the good old days when that number was much higher? </div><div><br /></div><div>Unlike in the good old days, today, 45% of blacks and Latinos now own their homes (as compared to 72% among white families). There was a time when that disparity was much greater. Those times were greater, much greater.</div><div><br /></div><div>Today, the average white working American makes only 28% more than the average black American and 35% more than the average Latino worker. Our lead is getting smaller and smaller due to reverse discrimination at all levels, affirmative action, employment discrimination, and so on. For example, white workers have been discouraged in alarming proportions from becoming migrant farm workers, a profession in which Latinos now dominate, intimidating whites by speaking Spanish all day in the fields. Imagine.</div><div><br /></div><div>Our once all-white government is now being inundated with extremist Democrats "of color." 22% of the U.S. Congress is now made up of racial minorities. Given that in the U.S. population, white Americans of European descent still hold a majority 60% of the population, it stands to reason that the government should reflect this majority by excluding members who clearly do not have the well-being of the majority in mind.</div><div><br /></div><div>In an exclusive Rotting Onion interview with White Nationalist leader, Alotta Crapp, one of the organizers of the MAGA event, she had this to say about Saturday's event. "We need to make this country great again. I mean let's face it. This place is hell on earth. My shithead of a boyfriend left me. I'm in debt. I'm fat and out of shape. And I'm pissed as hell." When asked what any of this had to do with politics, Crapp replied, "For all I know, my shithead boyfriend probably left me for an illegal. I'm in debt because all the good jobs are going to the illegals. And I'm fat and out of shape, well....I guess that one's on me." </div><div> </div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>Photo Courtesy of naplesnews.com</div><div><br /></div><div><p><br /></p><p><br /></p></div>Diana Shapirohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02989366896522249419noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7536722245483412370.post-56827366598694009872020-04-09T07:51:00.001-07:002020-04-10T09:05:33.464-07:00Easter Bunny May Not Be Deemed an Essential Worker<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7c0SVNVjXeSsJyRppIPA2BQk4M5aicKDQZAbzTcMx0lu5hQkk89f4ZzsSbdsNJi_4wvX1w6FHf-0g0EEAXOKZGm5NxD5Sn7ap5zD334EONfbEfMxteUY8uUcwGHzfhwcxaNMZgtZx6yw/s1600/easter+bunny.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="225" data-original-width="225" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7c0SVNVjXeSsJyRppIPA2BQk4M5aicKDQZAbzTcMx0lu5hQkk89f4ZzsSbdsNJi_4wvX1w6FHf-0g0EEAXOKZGm5NxD5Sn7ap5zD334EONfbEfMxteUY8uUcwGHzfhwcxaNMZgtZx6yw/s200/easter+bunny.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
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Hole in the Ground, Easter Island<br />
April 9, 2020<br />
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As April 12 approaches, the Easter Bunny is busy laying colored eggs with the hope of delivering them to children everywhere. However, it remains to be seen whether her work will be considered "essential" in the time of coronavirus.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMuTVB56lv18rLsA6VbKfhV1-HHRY1RJk7lkbt2i31V8S2_GB573clF8SletqZEglzf4e1iRUzSgEm2hz_glswMbL6KpIoDSxXBRNKcM34BijqkjcUR1scf_wuQntBm1hLxd9lZVKN75g/s1600/Jacinda+Ardern.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="168" data-original-width="299" height="112" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMuTVB56lv18rLsA6VbKfhV1-HHRY1RJk7lkbt2i31V8S2_GB573clF8SletqZEglzf4e1iRUzSgEm2hz_glswMbL6KpIoDSxXBRNKcM34BijqkjcUR1scf_wuQntBm1hLxd9lZVKN75g/s200/Jacinda+Ardern.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Jacinda Ardern</td></tr>
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As of April 9, only one world leader, Jacinda Ardern of New Zealand, has declared the Easter Bunny an essential worker. In spite of the importance to the world's children, other heads of state have been silent on this crucial matter. In an exclusive interview, The Rotting Onion visited with the Easter Bunny on Easter Island, while she busily laid colored eggs that she hopes will not spoil.<br />
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"I didn't have an easy start in life," said the Easter Bunny. "Imagine. I was the only rabbit in the world who laid eggs. Everywhere I went, other bunnies stared and pointed at me. Some even called me a 'freak.' But that all ended when I landed a job as the Easter Bunny."<br />
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From that point on, she became the most celebrated rabbit among rabbits. "It was amazing. Instead of looking down on me, all of a sudden, everyone wanted my autograph. I signed celery sticks, carrots, you name it!"<br />
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Now, after many years of faithful service, the Easter Bunny may not have enough work to pay the rent on her hole in the ground. "The problem is," she said, "that I upgraded to a nicer hole a few years ago. I felt I needed a little more space, and I was making enough money to justify it." Now, with her job security up in the air, she may be forced to downgrade. "It all depends on how many Easter eggs New Zealand commissions. And what other world leaders decide."<br />
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With only three days to go until Easter, the Easter Bunny urges all of us to put pressure on our national leaders to declare her work "eggsential". <br />
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Written by Diana Shapiro<br />
Photos courtesy of cnn.com and partycity.comDiana Shapirohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02989366896522249419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7536722245483412370.post-23641395070596550722020-04-06T08:58:00.000-07:002020-04-06T08:58:23.217-07:00Pickpockets Speak Out About Coronavirus<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhi6BBgPoIHD8CkqkSmfgxzIJvJDdOUa_cWyAK7kx_Bd8n6RUcHscdGeR_xYwqpNosU-Silb0bHZZAiSkFiWQV4A2ObcL5PTJzIDblrsZySnHGtXnHsAagfTv1TT1sf3BsvNW1qeWt0tO4/s1600/pickpocket.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="490" data-original-width="750" height="209" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhi6BBgPoIHD8CkqkSmfgxzIJvJDdOUa_cWyAK7kx_Bd8n6RUcHscdGeR_xYwqpNosU-Silb0bHZZAiSkFiWQV4A2ObcL5PTJzIDblrsZySnHGtXnHsAagfTv1TT1sf3BsvNW1qeWt0tO4/s320/pickpocket.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Pickpocketing down as a result of coronavirus</td></tr>
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Kansas City, Missouri<br />
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The economic hardship of the coronavirus is hitting the nation's pickpockets disproportionately. Pickpocketing is now down 80%, and many pickpockets find themselves out of work, unable to apply for unemployment, and ineligible for federal stimulus money.<br />
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<a name='more'></a>Cynthia Petty-Burgeler, a full-time pickpocket specializing in crowded streets at rush hour, had this to say about the crisis. "It's getting harder and harder for me to make an honest living. I depend on crowds of people to do my job properly. I take pride in my work. I have a light touch and generally pass undetected. I can't work from home, for obvious reasons, although... I'm embarrassed to say that I've had shameful thoughts about my eleven-year-old's allowance money recently. You see how desperate I've become!?"<br />
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Harry Crook, a public transit pickpocket, is also struggling to make ends meet. "With so many people working from home," he complained, "there just aren't enough people on public transit for me to work effectively....I'm hard-up for cash. For the first time in my life, I'm seriously considering shoplifting at the supermarket. I've always thought shoplifting was beneath me, but I may just have to swallow my pride and do it." <br />
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Pickpockets cannot apply for unemployment benefits because of the illicit nature of their work, and most will not receive federal stimulus money because they have not filed tax returns. <br />
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"This is discrimination, pure and simple," said Ivana Cash, a veteran pick-pocket specializing in music festivals and other large public events. "Our profession has always been unrecognized, unappreciated and undervalued. People don't see that pickpockets are hard-working, highly skilled professionals that deserve their respect. We are honorable people. We try to raise our kids with the right values. We have dreams, just like everybody else."<br />
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The Rotting Onion has set up a charitable fund for those who wish to donate to Pickpocket Relief Efforts. Just call 1-800-BURGLAR and make a donation to help unemployed pickpockets make rent and bills in this difficult time.<br />
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Written by Diana Shapiro<br />
Photo courtesy of global nomadic.comDiana Shapirohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02989366896522249419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7536722245483412370.post-9459574080730571412019-05-15T09:00:00.002-07:002019-05-15T09:00:36.906-07:00Children Passionate About Grammar Engage in Vicious BrawlSan Francisco, CA<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjz-kOFON4xeu_y1ZPud50f8NcpdfwO6wPVsk307l1DKtQEwzPw2NjdnhyphenhyphenS7At7HKJSBNYheHqd5xSt-LSza-EuKrJHaa5eQPTeLbVTy3B9yXYaJh-Naam_ePBYnGYyVi9uhCOunr2w7I8/s1600/kids+fighting.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="425" data-original-width="775" height="174" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjz-kOFON4xeu_y1ZPud50f8NcpdfwO6wPVsk307l1DKtQEwzPw2NjdnhyphenhyphenS7At7HKJSBNYheHqd5xSt-LSza-EuKrJHaa5eQPTeLbVTy3B9yXYaJh-Naam_ePBYnGYyVi9uhCOunr2w7I8/s320/kids+fighting.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Two sixth graders with differing<br />
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Chaos errupted in a six grade class yesterday, as students at Moscone Elementary School turned violent over a disagreement about the letter "W." Debate continues about whether or not the letter "W" can be used as a vowel, however it appears that the children are now calm and under control.<br />
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<a name='more'></a>Yesterday started out as just another day at Moscone elementary school, however, when violence broke out over the letter "W," the police had to be called to break up the fight. It took Officer Rawley several minutes to get the class under control, after which he joined the impassioned discussion about the letter "W." <br />
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"These kids really blew my mind," said Officer Rawley. "I always thought my last name had two vowels, not three, so this could be a game changer for me. I'm still unsure. I was up late into the night scratching my head.....Today, I feel a little better in the sense that I realize I'm still the same person either way. It doesn't change who I really am, you know?"<br />
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Ms. Winnow, the students' sixth grade teacher, is proud of her class for their passion over a question that has always nagged at her. "I've always been confused about it. My last name has two 'W's, and one screams out 'No, I'm not a vowel!' and the other says, 'Yes, I am! It's a question that has haunted me all my life. To see the kids get so impassioned about it, when they could be arguing about things like obstruction of justice, abortion rights, and social inequality, just warms my heart. How can we really tackle those big issues when there are still unresolved questions regarding the alphabet, the building block of our language and our culture?"<br />
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As of now, the fighting appears to have stopped, and the sixth graders are back to talking about video games, TV shows, sports,, and other such things. The topic of today's English class will be the letter "Y". The Rotting Onion sincerely wishes Ms. Winnow a peaceful yet productive discussion of this very crucial matter.<br />
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Written by Diana Shapiro<br />
Photo courtesy of <span style="color: black;"><a href="http://www.parenting-with-love.com/">w</a>ww.parenting-with-love.com</span><br />
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<br />Diana Shapirohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02989366896522249419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7536722245483412370.post-80012541677330998382018-05-27T10:58:00.004-07:002018-05-31T13:24:22.809-07:00Dangerous Criminal Finally Apprehended <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Oakland, CA<br />
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U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement has apprehended the dangerous criminal, Teodora Mendoza Ramirez, who has been living illegally in California for over thirty years. In addition to breaking immigration laws, Mrs. Mendoza Ramirez received a ticket for jaywalking in 1997. Several years later, in 2001, she was arrested for selling hand-sewn<i> cortes</i> and <i>huipiles </i>(traditional Guatemalan attire) to neighbors without a license. Oakland residents can finally rest easy, knowing that she is behind bars.<br />
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Clearly a threat to public safety, Mrs. Mendoza Ramirez has no defense against the charges against her except that she "never meant any harm" and is "deeply sorry" for her mistakes. In the case of her illegal business operations, she claims she "just needed a little extra money" to throw a small high school graduation party for her grandson. "He is the first in our family to get past the sixth grade. The rest of us had to work in the fields to help our families." No records exist proving that Mrs. Mendoza Ramirez and her family members did not attend school, and her story is most likely a plea for sympathy and leniency in her upcoming court hearing.<br />
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After searching for her for almost three months, ICE agents finally located Mrs. Mendoza Ramirez in her kitchen where she appeared to be making homemade tortillas for her family. "She was hiding in plain sight," said Officer Dick Fayse, who made the arrest. "An impressive strategy, just the kind you'd expect from a criminal mind like hers." Officer Fayse was celebrated as a hero when he returned to ICE headquarters with the dangerous suspect in handcuffs.<br />
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Vicente Cruz Pablo, Mrs. Mendoza Ramirez's next door neighbor, was shocked when he heard the news of her arrest. "I never expected it from her. She seemed like such a nice lady. She went to church three times a week...I didn't think she was the kind of person to jaywalk and operate an illegal business. What is this world coming to?" Mysteriously, when asked his opinion on her flagrant disrespect for U.S. immigration laws, Mr. Cruz Pablo retreated into his apartment with no further comment.<br />
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Now that Mrs. Mendoza Ramirez has been arrested, Oakland residents feel safer in their homes. "Yep, everyone can finally relax now, " commented Officer Fayse. "ICE has got the situation under control."<br />
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President Trump tweeted about the arrest, congratulating Officer Fayse and warning the public that there are many more dangerous illegal immigrant criminals, just like Mrs. Mendoza Ramirez, out there. He reminded citizens to think twice before voting for a 'Soft-on-Crime' Democrat in the June mid-term elections. "If so-called sanctuary cities like Oakland and San Francisco continue to protect people like Teodora Mendoza Ramirez, we shouldn't feel sorry for them when illegal sales of <i>cortes</i> and <i>huipiles </i>drive honest, licensed, clothing manufacturers out of business!"<br />
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<br />Diana Shapirohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02989366896522249419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7536722245483412370.post-28164487596854725772017-05-22T22:30:00.000-07:002018-02-16T06:14:50.703-08:00House Husband Dissatisfied with Monthly Allowance<div class="MsoNormal">
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Scott Reed, house husband in West Berkeley, complains that his wife, Linda has been shortchanging him on his monthly allowance. “Back in 2009, I lost my job at Down-and Up Burger. Rather than look for some other dead-end job, I decided to stay home and take care of the house.” At that point, Linda took over paying for food, rent, and bills. </div>
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“Linda’s lucky to have me. I’m different from other guys,” Scott boasted. “I don’t need to prove my manhood with some important job or big money.”</div>
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In order to feel independent, Scott negotiated for a $100 monthly entertainment allowance. Three years later, Scott is ready for a cost of living increase, but Linda refuses. </div>
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Linda, a public high school teacher, argues that she’ll raise the allowance if and when Scott proves that he can spend it wisely and responsibly. </div>
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“Last month, Scott blew his whole allowance in the first week, on video games and candy. He says he wants to save up for a car, and yet his piggy bank is empty.” </div>
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Scott sees the situation quite differently. “I am 38 years old and I don’t see why she treats me like a kid. She never listens. She just doesn’t understand me.” </div>
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Last Tuesday, Linda came home to the following note on the kitchen table. “I can’t take it anymore. I’m going someplace where people love me. Don’t try to find me, because you won’t be able to. Love, Scott.” </div>
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After crying her eyes out for at least five minutes, Linda drove over to Scott’s mother’s house. Scott came to the door. “He protested and yelled at me, but I could see that he was holding back a smile,” Linda reported. </div>
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Within a few days, the couple began quarreling bitterly again, causing neighbors to complain about noise disturbances on the otherwise quiet Berkeley street.</div>
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Jan Orsen, community mediator, has been deployed to help the couple reach an agreement. “We’re setting up a system of positive and negative reinforcement. Scott will get one point for every extra chore he completes during the month, and he’ll get one point off for bad behavior. Each point will have a monetary value, so it’ll be to his advantage to keep himself in the black.”</div>
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Linda comments, “I’m encouraged by the negotiations. I think this is going to be really good for Scott.”</div>
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Scott is less enthused about the situation. “I think it’s unfair. But, fine, I’ll do it.” Then, when Linda was out of earshot, he added, “If I feel like it.”<br />
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Diana Shapirohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02989366896522249419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7536722245483412370.post-551623614812022352017-05-01T07:56:00.000-07:002018-02-16T06:12:26.586-08:00Overpopulation Problem Fuels Anti-Baby Sentiment World-Wide<span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span><br />
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<b><span style="font-size: 12pt;">There are close to 7 billion human beings on earth today, and experts project that there may be up to 10.5 billion in 2050. </span></b></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal;">Population growth is one of the biggest challenges facing our world today. The world population has doubled since 1965, and as a result, parking spaces are fewer and farther between, lines are longer at grocery stores worldwide, and it is nearly impossible to hail a cab. As frustration levels rise, anti-baby sentiment is increasing.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal;">“Babies are a real problem,” says environmental activist Julie Ladybug. “The earth can’t even sustain those of us who are already here. I don’t know who these babies think they are to barge in and compete with us for limited resources. They act innocent but I think they know exactly what they are doing.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal;">It is not only environmental activists who have turned against babies. The American Teachers Union has taken a formal stand against babies. “Our classrooms are already overcrowded,” says fifth grade teacher Lynn Campbell. “Every year, our class sizes get a little bigger. Population growth is killing us. The Teachers Union says “No!” to babies.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal;">Perhaps the most shocking population to turn against babies are the domestic beagles, who have formed an organization called Beagles Against Babies Everywhere (BABE). These highly organized hounds have jumped on the anti-baby bandwagon, claiming that a new baby in the family, “takes attention away from us. Our walks get shorter. We get fewer baths. All in all, babies are a bum deal,” says Patches. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal;">This year’s International Summit For Population Control will be held in Tokyo, Japan, a country known for its success in achieving zero population growth. The Summit will host concerned citizens from all around the globe who are tired of not being able to get into a movie on opening night, frustrated with the lack of room in the overhead compartments on airplanes, and displeased with having to sit at the counter in their favorite local diners. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal;">The Chairperson of this year’s summit, Yoshi Nakagawa, had this to say about Japan’s success in decreasing its baby population. “Aversion techniques are the key to our success. On billboards all over Japan, babies are depicted as demonic creatures who leave death and destruction in their wake. The Japanese movie industry has made its contribution by producing horror movie sequels such as ‘Rosemary’s Baby Destroys Manhattan,’ in which a devil baby single-handedly brings down an entire metropolis, and ‘Babies on a Train’—an Oedipal horror film in which two baby boys meet on a train and formulate a scheme to kill one another’s imperfect but well-meaning fathers, so that they can marry their mothers. The end result of all this anti-baby media is that in Japan, we simply do not trust babies anymore.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal;">But what about how “cute” and “sweet” babies allegedly are? This overused argument has been used for centuries to excuse babies from their contribution to the global overpopulation problem. If babies want to regain their status as useful and welcome citizens, they are going to have to do better than that. Many babies were contacted regarding this article. Very few called back. Those who did had very little to say in their own defense.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal;">Written by Diana Shapiro</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal;">*Writer's Comment: Despite the silliness of this article, overpopulation is, in fact, a serious problem and one that we should all educate ourselves about.</span></div>
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Diana Shapirohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02989366896522249419noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7536722245483412370.post-43617182547689303592017-04-19T17:15:00.003-07:002017-08-16T21:49:10.568-07:00United Flight Attendant Slaps Passenger Who Refused to Eat His VegetablesTaipei, Taiwan<br />
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In an incident that has startled and appalled United customers worldwide, Senior United Flight Attendant, Alotta Greens, slapped six-year old passenger, Billy Bianchi, for refusing to eat his vegetables during a non-stop flight from New York to Taipei last night. <br />
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"I stand by what I did," said Greens. "We gave him a fine, well-balanced meal. A meal any airline would be proud of! And what'd he do? He ate everything but the vegetables. I warned him. I even counted to three. But he just stared at me defiantly. I tell you, that kid had it coming to him."<br />
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United Airlines CEO, Oscar Munoz, has come out in full support of Greens When asked whether there would be any consequences to her unusual behavior, he indicated that she had already been promoted. "The passenger is clearly to blame in this instance," he asserted. "His behavior was reprehensible. Alotta had to do something, and he'd left her little choice other than the use of force."<br />
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Passengers on the flight were appalled by the incident, especially Billy's parents. "We've told him time and time again that he has to eat his vegetables," said a horrified Barbara Bianchi, Billy's mother, "and we don't let him leave the table until he does." Bruno Bianchi, Billy's father, was equally upset. "You try to raise your kids right," he said, "but sometimes they go astray."<br />
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Other passengers seated nearby were shaken up by the incident as well. "He was just so defiant. It was startling to watch," said Ben Becker (42), a father himself. 'If my kid had done that, I would have been mortified." <br />
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United customers all over the world are considering a boycott, based on the relative leniency of the United flight attendant given the serious nature of the behavior in question. They are demanding a firmer response in the future, perhaps a few slaps or even a spanking.<br />
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Billy, himself, had little to say in his own defense. "I'm sorry I upset everyone," he said. "I will eat my vegetables from now on. Promise."<br />
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Photo courtesy of aviationinterviews.comDiana Shapirohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02989366896522249419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7536722245483412370.post-29127924153464709842017-04-17T10:01:00.000-07:002018-06-04T06:40:39.807-07:00Trump' Appoints The Riddler, The Joker and The Penguin to Top PositionsWashington D.C.<br />
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Violating ethics codes regarding the appointment of well-known television villains to important government positions, Donald Trump has appointed Batman's worst enemies to major roles in Washington. <br />
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Prior to these latest appointments, the Trump administration seemed to favor little-known villains, people the common man or woman previously knew nothing about. This marks the first time that the President has chosen prominent evildoers of this fame and stature for such important roles.<br />
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Leading government ethics official, Yubi Lyon, had this to say about the appointments. "It's not only the character of these men that is of concern, but also the conflicts of interests that they represent."<br />
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The Riddler has been named Top Literary Advisor to the White House. Over the past five years, he has been lobbying in Washington for the removal of novels and short stories from public school English classes, in favor of riddles, which he claims are more accessible and better suited to children's decreasing attention spans.<br />
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The Joker has been appointed to the White House Committee on Sexual Morality. Rumored to be a closeted gay villain himself, he is known for the viciously homophobic positions he takes in public, as opposed to the more flexible positions he assumes while dancing to Donna Summer at the popular Micky's West Hollywood gay nightclub. According to former Star Trek legend, George Takei, "Closeted gay people are the absolute worst homophobes. And if you have any doubt about the Joker, just think about why he never killed Batman in spite of multiple opportunities over three seasons on network television."<br />
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The Penguin will now be the top Fashion Consultant to the White House. He will adv<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIhvPkGxEG2lFB4kwb6M1-EsB9ZJCFQ9gtmqMYgxYhePjz5b8ivaaCZ-M0jgUsyafyUcotTGEV1F7j22eI30UoIXoivkvAubpmYWBTH5295tNWcfozCeflg3_LH_kUlTvTSBQ-UQpFS_Y/s1600/penguin.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIhvPkGxEG2lFB4kwb6M1-EsB9ZJCFQ9gtmqMYgxYhePjz5b8ivaaCZ-M0jgUsyafyUcotTGEV1F7j22eI30UoIXoivkvAubpmYWBTH5295tNWcfozCeflg3_LH_kUlTvTSBQ-UQpFS_Y/s1600/penguin.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a>ise the <br />
President and his family/staff about how to appear elegant and refined while not-so-secretly planning to take over the world and rid the planet of distasteful heroes who are brave enough to fight for the good of humanity.<br />
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No one in the Trump administration was available for comment on the new appointees. <br />
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Meanwhile, in Gothem City, The Caped Crusader is having his own wardrobe adjusted. "I've put on a few pounds since 1968," he admitted, "and I want to make sure I look good before Robin gets here." The Boy Wonder, having spent the last four decades trying to prove his heterosexual manliness to all in doubt, reports that he is "relieved to drop the charade" and return to his "one and only."<br />
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Written by Diana Shapiro<br />
Joker and Riddler photos courtesy of wikia.com, Penguin photo courtesy of pinterest.comDiana Shapirohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02989366896522249419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7536722245483412370.post-6482076766973742482017-02-22T07:56:00.001-08:002017-08-16T21:54:00.045-07:00Donald Trump: "Deeply Misunderstood"Washington D.C.<br />
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In a press conference this morning, Donald Trump complained of being "deeply misunderstood" by the American people, and stated that "if you would just get to know me, you'd see that I'm a real pussycat." The Rotting Onion did some research into the matter and found that the President has indeed been misread and misinterpreted, mostly by competing fake newspapers (with a liberal bent), who have portrayed him as a heartless tyrant when, in fact, he is a God-fearing, humble and kind-hearted family man. <br />
<a name='more'></a>Here are some examples of gross mistreatment of President Trump by the liberal media, reinterpreted based on new evidence from mysterious reliable sources. The Rotting Onion sincerely hopes that the liberal newspapers will reconsider their harsh and unfounded treatment of the President now that the truth has finally emerged.<br />
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10/2/16-Misunderstood by the fake news liberal media as an obscene gesture, Trump expounds on his favorite breakfast item, waffles with artificial maple syrup, to a cheering crowd of Leggo and Aunt Jemima investors, shouting "Waffles are number one!" Protesters, who carried signs such as "Oatmeal Forever," and "Pancakes Matter," were welcome at the event, although everyone knew they were plants by the Democratic Party.<br />
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11/1/16-Misunderstood by the fake news liberal media as an expression of discomfort, Donald Trump seriously considers the words of a young college student expressing her concern over his views on violence against women, reproductive rights, and equal pay. "Thank you," said Trump , "I finally understand how patriarchy works, and how I would never be where I am today if I weren't a wealthy, white man with a huge inheritance."<br />
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11/5/16-Misunderstood by the fake news liberal media as a description of the size of the family jewels, Trump explains how small he feels when people criticize him for his looks, personality, political views or alleged nefarious intentions. "People don't know this about me, but I'm actually a sensitive guy," said Trump. "Please watch what you say, because I don't want to spend too many more afternoons crying in my therapist's office."<br />
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12/19/16-Misunderstood by the fake news liberal media as a show of rage, Trump discusses his passion for the New England Patriots. "They're going to go all the way!," he shouted, as Security officers began to push screaming Atlanta Falcons fans out the door. "Stop that!," said an impassioned Trump. "We have to learn to appreciate our differences and live together in harmony."<br />
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Images thanks to businessinsider.com, newsweek.com, cbsnews.com and cnn.com, metalinjection.net, dailymail.co.uk, and twitter.com<br />
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<br />Diana Shapirohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02989366896522249419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7536722245483412370.post-5539907246189098942017-02-16T10:05:00.001-08:002017-08-16T21:56:03.090-07:00Exclusive Interview with Kellyanne ConwayFebruary 15, 2017 <br />
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In an intimate and exclusive interview with the Rotting Onion, Kellyanne Conway gets real about her personal life.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFW1ben6Kea92gn66asedOq47hiVuwblaii1CRHdQabpm_U2aNeQhfhpGbFoptd9h1Is_4HY_25V9S_sQkhpzeG2A3aRbPH8FgVEQxAyuSCLJ8A6nLQ243qxQCaGGF3Nq-0y20ntE8GuA/s1600/conway.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><br /></a>RO: Good morning, Kellyanne.<br />
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KAC: Good morning, and a good, fine morning it is. I'm fine, too. Thank you for asking.<br />
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RO: Uh...yes, you're welcome. Kellyanne, tell us a little about your childhood. I understand you grew up in New Jersey.<br />
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KAC: Yes, that's right. New Jersey is a great state. Chris Christie is a friend, though I've told him in very private conversations that he should probably lose a little weight. <br />
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RO: OK... Well, I understand that, as a kid, you worked on a blueberry farm over the summers, and that you won the New Jersey Blueberry Princess Pageant at age 16.<br />
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KAC: Yes. Blueberries. Blueberry Hill. Fats Domino. Fat. Chris Christie... Why do you keep asking me about him? What are you trying to prove? Democrats can be fat too. Hillary Clinton was fat when she was a baby. Pudgy cheeks.<br />
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RO: I understand you have a JD from George Washington University.<br />
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KAC: Yes, I'm one smart cookie. Cookie dough makes you fat. Chris Christie. Oh no, not again! You tricked me!<br />
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RO: ...and now you're married and have four children.<br />
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KAC: Indeed. My husband and I met and fell in love right after the first big Kalamazoo massacre in 2000. Such a tragedy, but it bonded us deeply. <br />
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RO: The first big Kalamazoo massacre?<br />
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KAC: Yes, that's right. There have been a few since then, but none were as tragic as the first. <br />
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RO: I'm not aware of the Kalamazoo massacres. <br />
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KAC: Yes. It was horrible. Muslims. Mexican Muslims. Jewish Mexican Muslims. Bad hombres.<br />
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RO: Did this incident actually occur?<br />
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KAC: That's not the point. I'm telling you how I met my husband ,and all you can do is question me about irrelevant facts that aren't even true.<br />
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RO: OK, Kellyanne. There is just one more thing I wanted to ask you today.<br />
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KAC: Of course, but I am just going to repeat the same answers, if that's OK. <br />
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RO: Well there are some rumors that you were actually born as Kenneth Conway and that you changed your named to Kellyanne after coming out as transgender.<br />
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KAC: The Kalamazoo massacres weren't covered by the fake news liberal media. It doesn't matter what actually happened. What matters is that they weren't there to report it.<br />
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RO: Thank you for your time today, Kellyanne. It's been...interesting talking with you.<br />
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KAC: My pleasure. I love to give interviews. Anytime you need clarification, just give me a call. In fact, I have some free time tomorrow. We could do this again. Just tell me what time.<br />
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RO: I'm sorry, Kellyanne. Tomorrow my schedule is packed. I have to...clip my cat's toenails. I've been putting it off for months, and then I have to...sharpen all my kitchen knives. They've gotten really dull. But my people will be in touch with your people, for sure.<br />
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Written by Diana Shapiro<br />
photo courtesy of toofab.comDiana Shapirohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02989366896522249419noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7536722245483412370.post-74489807131990619352017-02-12T06:34:00.000-08:002017-08-16T21:57:09.484-07:00The Rotting Onion Apologies for Long AbsenceBerkeley, CA <br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Three Rotting Onion staff members on<br />
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The staff of The Rotting Onion would like to apologize for its long silence since November 9, 2016. Coincidentally, since the day after the Presidential election, there was an outbreak of a rare medical syndrome that affected all of our staff writers.<br />
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Strangely, all of their illnesses started with with nausea and tension headaches, followed by acid reflux, diarrhea and stress-induced psoriasis.<br />
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Amazingly, all of our staff writers also came down with the same mental health problems on November 9, 2016, including panic attacks, insomnia, and Tourrette Syndrome.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqV9gyVpciKGIzdaWHQudoGiP0Ir2U-wpvibBV4ReJVVTGFdmgBbKt-2spDWDIql76mjhzv1S6DDd0c8uLluloBNsMW7wbMR4ZXuc5kcrjxG5wwgdAmIfTbQUhKdiVnbnbXkb4GLR6YhY/s1600/disgust.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="132" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqV9gyVpciKGIzdaWHQudoGiP0Ir2U-wpvibBV4ReJVVTGFdmgBbKt-2spDWDIql76mjhzv1S6DDd0c8uLluloBNsMW7wbMR4ZXuc5kcrjxG5wwgdAmIfTbQUhKdiVnbnbXkb4GLR6YhY/s200/disgust.jpg" width="200" /></a>As if that wasn't enough coincidence, all of our staff writers reported the same tics associated with their Tourrette Syndrome, a vocal tic ("Asshole!") followed with a motor tick (grimace of disgust). <br />
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Fortunately, their troublesome symptoms seem to be fading, and they have all resumed their posts. The cause of the outbreak remains unknown and is currently under investigation. In accordance with the times, if the Rotting Onion management team fails to discover the actual reason for the outbreak, we will blame it on women, Muslims, immigrants, gays, and, of course, the Jews.<br />
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Written by Diana Shapiro<br />
First photo courtesy of fergusonvalues.com<br />
Second photo courtesy of giffy.com<br />
<br />Diana Shapirohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02989366896522249419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7536722245483412370.post-56677689672523791422017-02-10T21:46:00.001-08:002017-02-11T09:09:33.024-08:00Oakland Couple Long Overdue for VacationOakland, CA<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ben and May researching crime<br />
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Ben Toolong and May Kalapz have not been on vacation in over ten years and are long overdue. The reason? They simply can't decide where to go. <br />
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Ben and May both have months of accrued vacation time at their jobs. They work long hours, in addition to their many volunteer activities. Burnout set in a long time ago, and they both acknowledge that a vacation is needed, now more than ever.<br />
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The problem begins when they sit down to make a plan. May has relatives she'd love to visit in New Jersey. Ben, on the other hand, does not want to spend his first vacation in ten years with May's family, let alone in New Jersey. "Why not Hawaii,?" he suggests, to which May replies, "We were just in Hawaii ten years ago!"<br />
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Both Ben and May would like to travel to Mexico, but are put off by the crime statistics. "What about Ireland instead,?" offers May. "Everyone who goes there loves it." Ben is not convinced. "Yeah, but everyone's not vegan, and we are. We'll starve in Ireland!"<br />
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After about an hour of discussion, they both feel exhausted and frustrated. "Planning a vacation is just too much work!," they decide, and put off the decision for a future time. <br />
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Meanwhile, Ben and May's friends and co-workers are beginning to express alarm. "I'm afraid Ben is about ready to pop," says his best friend, Chris, " He practically had a nervous breakdown last week when we got to the movies late and missed the advertisements at the beginning." May's co-workers have noticed that she's been staying at work late, staring at her computer screen. "It wouldn't be so concerning," they said, "if the computer was actually on."<br />
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Because coming to an agreement is so difficult, Ben and May have considered writing all their suggestions on pieces of paper and picking randomly out of a hat. Unfortunately, they can't decide which hat to use. Will it be Ben's French beret or May's Oakland A's baseball cap? Decisions, decisions.<br />
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Written by Diana Shapiro<br />
photo courtesy of powercoupleblueprint.com<br />
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<br />Diana Shapirohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02989366896522249419noreply@blogger.com1