Thursday, July 7, 2011

After Professional Massage, Senator John McCain Switches to Democratic Party

Washington, D.C. 

Republican Senator John McCain made a shocking announcement this morning.  After receiving his first professional massage last night, McCain has changed his party affiliation.  The McCains appeared together at a press conference this morning.

Senator McCain told the press, “Last night, something incredible happened.  And I have my wife Cindy to thank. You tell them, Cindy.”

“Well, John has just been so stressed lately, with the economy falling apart and all...  I’ve been worried about him.  So, I went thumbing through the classifieds in our local newspaper looking for something that might help him.  I came across an ad with a very handsome young man offering to massage other men in their homes!  I thought, ‘how perfect!  I can surprise John with this tonight.’” 

At this point, Senator McCain took the microphone.  “It was incredible!  For one thing, I took off my clothes and let another man touch me, which is something I’ve never done in my life...and well, ummm, I liked it.” McCain blushed sheepishly.  Then he continued, “While Sven was working on me, I took the deepest breath I’ve taken since before Vietnam.  And in that one breath, I relaxed about a lot of the things that have been worrying me over the years.  For example, I’ve always had this fear that the blacks wanted to take my eight homes and my thirteen cars away.  Not to mention what I thought they wanted with my wife!  Now, I see that if I just breathe with the fear, ground my energy, and center myself, I can let the fears go.” 

As for his switch to the Democratic party, McCain explained that his views are no longer in line with those of the Republican party. 

“I don’t want to be afraid all the time anymore.  I don’t want to try to oppress the poor and keep women in their place.  Those things are really stressful.  And you know where that stress goes?  Right into your muscles.”  McCain added enigmatically, “Also, I’ve changed my view on gay relationships.”

Sven Jorgensen, the young Swedish immigrant who catalyzed McCain’s change of heart had this to say, “I’m glad I could help, really.  The guy was tied up in knots.  When I got his shoulders to drop, we saw that he actually does have a decent sized neck.  He experienced quite a release at the end,” Sven added thoughtfully.

Written by Diana Shapiro

1 comment:

  1. If you would like to spearhead a fund raiser to send Sven to the next Tea Party convention, Iwould contribute. Alan Shapiro