Man Breaks Personal Record on Treadmill That Won't Stop

El Cerrito, CA 

Seventy-two year old Hal Blanford broke his personal record while running on a faulty treadmill yesterday at his local gym.

Lesbian Couple Destroys Fabric of Texas Neighborhood

El Paso, TX

Diane Siegel and Ellen Hutchins moved into a quiet El Paso neighborhood last May.  Neighbors complain that the lesbian couple has brought nothing but trouble to this previously peaceful, patriotic, heterosexual neighborhood.  Some go as far as to argue that the very fabric of their neighborhood is being destroyed by the newcomers.

Bathrobes Obsolete by 2025

Washington D.C. 

Due to a decrease in demand among Generation X’ers and Generation Nexters, bathrobes will be discontinued by all major manufacturers in 2025.  Statistics show that only 10% of Americans below the age of 40 wear bathrobes and those under 30 are unable to identify a bathrobe when presented with one.

Palm Reader Exposed as Fraud

Oakland, CA

Madame Esmeralda of Oakland, CA has been reading palms for more than forty years.  Her lucrative business has been in the Fruitvale district since 1970, behind an impressive green awning that reads "Psychic" and a flashing neon sign in the window advertising "Palm Readings $8.