First Germophobic Dog Speaks Out

Mr. Clean lives with the Thompson family in Daly City, CA, but he is not your average family dog.  Sure, he loves a good bone as much as the next dog and has never turned down a trip to the P-A-R-K, but unlike his peers, he also spends most of his waking hours cleaning the family home from top to bottom.

Voter Fraud in 2020 Elections

Wellington, New Zealand

In a democracy, all votes should be counted, but only if they are legal. Some voters use fake identities to cast multiple votes, which throws the integrity of the election into question. No winner should be declared until the identities of each and every voter are verified and it has been determined that they have only cast one vote.

In addition, sentencing for voter fraud should be severe and costly, in order to deter would-be cheaters. Elections have become quite divided as the two sides drift further and further apart. As a result, poll watchers should be allowed to observe the counting of votes from up close.

 

In this week's New Zealand elections, amateurs of forest birds went head to head with sea bird enthusiasts in the 2020 Bird of the Year contest. Yesterday, it was determined beyond reasonable doubt by the Board of Elections that 1,500 fake votes were submitted. As a result, the kiwi pukupuku, a flightless, forest bird jumped way ahead, surpassing the kakopo and the antipodean albatross. The illegal votes were cast in the middle of the night by Internet and the identities of the offenders have yet to be determined. The contest will continue through Sunday. With the illegal votes discounted, the antipodean albatross leads the race, by a slim margin, over the the kakopo.

 

However, kiwi pukupuku enthusiasts refuse to acknowledge that they have fallen behind. "This election is rigged," said New Zealander Ronald Stump. "STOP THE STEAL!" Another kiwi pukupuku amateur, Donnell Crump, was arrested for a plot to kidnap all sea bird enthusiasts until the end of the voting period. Fortunately, New Zealand intelligence got wind of the plot in time to thwart it. The winner of the Bird of the Year contest could be announced as soon as Sunday, but due to the number of mail-in ballots received, it is more likely that there will be a delay of at least several days while the votes are counted. In the meantime, New Zealanders are on pins and needles. Stress eating and trichotilomania (pulling out your own hair) are on the rise as citizens attempt to manage their anxiety. Stay tuned over the next few days for ongoing, round-the-clock, alarmist coverage that increases your anxiety exponentially.

Pigeon Afraid of Heights, Forced to Take Public Transit

Prescilla prefers the window seat

Sacramento, CA

Prescilla (2), a pigeon born and raised in Roseville, CA, may be the first bird to publicly admit her fear of heights.  Ever since she fell from her nest as a young chick, sustaining several scrapes and cuts as well as a bruised ego, Prescilla has shied away from flying in favor of taking ground transportation.

Family in Uproar Over Grandma's Apple Cake Recipe

Florence Cohen thinks her family is 'meshugeneh.'

Berkeley, CA

Florence Cohen, 91, is a Russian Jewish immigrant, a proud mother of three,  and grandmother of five.  As the matriarch of her family, Florence is known for being generous, kind and hospitable.  She is also known for her skill in the kitchen, most notably her other-worldly apple cake, which she has been making for her children and grandchildren since they can remember.

Donald Trump to Volunteer at Local Animal Shelter

West Palm Beach, Florida

Former President Trump, finding himself with more time on his hands recently, has decided to volunteer at a local, non-profit animal shelter.   

"I'm coming to really appreciate animals, dogs especially," said Mr. Trump.  "They're loyal to a fault.  They don't turn on you no matter how much of a jackass you are.  Whatever absurdity comes out of your mouth doesn't faze them one bit.  I think I've found my perfect audience."

Perfectly Good Date Ruined by Foul Manners

Barbarian Tracy Lawrence licks her plate

 Berkeley, CA


Last night, a perfectly good first date was ruined when Tracy Lawrence (37) picked up her plate to lick the remaining bechamel sauce from her delicious vegetable lasagna.  Her date, Ron Crystal (43), watched helplessly as the spectacle unfolded.