Wellington, New Zealand
In a democracy, all votes should be counted, but only if they are legal. Some voters use fake identities to cast multiple votes, which throws the integrity of the election into question. No winner should be declared until the identities of each and every voter are verified and it has been determined that they have only cast one vote.
In this week's New Zealand elections, amateurs of forest birds went head to head with sea bird enthusiasts in the 2020 Bird of the Year contest. Yesterday, it was determined beyond reasonable doubt by the Board of Elections that 1,500 fake votes were submitted. As a result, the kiwi pukupuku, a flightless, forest bird jumped way ahead, surpassing the kakopo and the antipodean albatross. The illegal votes were cast in the middle of the night by Internet and the identities of the offenders have yet to be determined. The contest will continue through Sunday. With the illegal votes discounted, the antipodean albatross leads the race, by a slim margin, over the the kakopo.
However, kiwi pukupuku enthusiasts refuse to acknowledge that they have fallen behind. "This election is rigged," said New Zealander Ronald Stump. "STOP THE STEAL!" Another kiwi pukupuku amateur, Donnell Crump, was arrested for a plot to kidnap all sea bird enthusiasts until the end of the voting period. Fortunately, New Zealand intelligence got wind of the plot in time to thwart it. The winner of the Bird of the Year contest could be announced as soon as Sunday, but due to the number of mail-in ballots received, it is more likely that there will be a delay of at least several days while the votes are counted. In the meantime, New Zealanders are on pins and needles. Stress eating and trichotilomania (pulling out your own hair) are on the rise as citizens attempt to manage their anxiety. Stay tuned over the next few days for ongoing, round-the-clock, alarmist coverage that increases your anxiety exponentially.
In addition, sentencing for voter fraud should be severe and costly, in order to deter would-be cheaters. Elections have become quite divided as the two sides drift further and further apart. As a result, poll watchers should be allowed to observe the counting of votes from up close.
In this week's New Zealand elections, amateurs of forest birds went head to head with sea bird enthusiasts in the 2020 Bird of the Year contest. Yesterday, it was determined beyond reasonable doubt by the Board of Elections that 1,500 fake votes were submitted. As a result, the kiwi pukupuku, a flightless, forest bird jumped way ahead, surpassing the kakopo and the antipodean albatross. The illegal votes were cast in the middle of the night by Internet and the identities of the offenders have yet to be determined. The contest will continue through Sunday. With the illegal votes discounted, the antipodean albatross leads the race, by a slim margin, over the the kakopo.
However, kiwi pukupuku enthusiasts refuse to acknowledge that they have fallen behind. "This election is rigged," said New Zealander Ronald Stump. "STOP THE STEAL!" Another kiwi pukupuku amateur, Donnell Crump, was arrested for a plot to kidnap all sea bird enthusiasts until the end of the voting period. Fortunately, New Zealand intelligence got wind of the plot in time to thwart it. The winner of the Bird of the Year contest could be announced as soon as Sunday, but due to the number of mail-in ballots received, it is more likely that there will be a delay of at least several days while the votes are counted. In the meantime, New Zealanders are on pins and needles. Stress eating and trichotilomania (pulling out your own hair) are on the rise as citizens attempt to manage their anxiety. Stay tuned over the next few days for ongoing, round-the-clock, alarmist coverage that increases your anxiety exponentially.
