Thursday, February 16, 2017

Exclusive Interview with Kellyanne Conway

February 15, 2017

In an intimate and exclusive interview with the Rotting Onion, Kellyanne Conway gets real about her personal life.

RO:  Good morning, Kellyanne.

KAC: Good morning, and a good, fine morning it is.  I'm fine, too. Thank you for asking.

RO: Uh...yes, you're welcome.  Kellyanne, tell us a little about your childhood.  I understand you grew up in New Jersey.

KAC:  Yes, that's right.  New Jersey is a great state.  Chris Christie is a friend, though I've told him in very private conversations that he should probably lose a little weight.  

RO:  OK... Well, I understand that, as a kid, you worked on a blueberry farm over the summers, and that you won the New Jersey Blueberry Princess Pageant at age 16.

KAC:  Yes.  Blueberries.  Blueberry Hill.  Fats Domino.  Fat.  Chris Christie... Why do you keep asking me about him?   What are you trying to prove?  Democrats can be fat too. Hillary Clinton was fat when she was a baby. Pudgy cheeks.

RO: I understand you have a JD from George Washington University.

KAC: Yes, I'm one smart cookie.  Cookie dough makes you fat.  Chris Christie.  Oh no, not again!  You tricked me!

RO:  ...and now you're married and have four children.

KAC:  Indeed.  My husband and I met and fell in love right after the first big Kalamazoo massacre in 2000. Such a tragedy, but it bonded us deeply.

RO:  The first big Kalamazoo massacre?

KAC:  Yes, that's right.  There have been a few since then, but none were as tragic as the first.

RO:  I'm not aware of the Kalamazoo massacres.

KAC:  Yes.  It was horrible.  Muslims.  Mexican Muslims. Jewish  Mexican Muslims.  Bad hombres.

RO:  Did this incident actually occur?

KAC:  That's not the point.  I'm telling you how I met my husband ,and all you can do is question me about irrelevant facts that aren't even true.

RO:  OK, Kellyanne.  There is just one more thing I wanted to ask you today.

KAC:  Of course, but I am just going to repeat the same answers, if that's OK.

RO:  Well there are some rumors that you were actually born as Kenneth Conway and that you changed your named to Kellyanne after coming out as transgender.

KAC:  The Kalamazoo massacres weren't covered by the fake news liberal media.  It doesn't matter what actually happened.  What matters is that they weren't there to report it.

RO:  Thank you for your time today, Kellyanne.  It's been...interesting talking with you.

KAC:  My pleasure.  I love to give interviews.  Anytime you need clarification, just give me a call. In fact, I have some free time tomorrow.  We could do this again.  Just tell me what time.

RO:  I'm sorry, Kellyanne.  Tomorrow my schedule is packed.  I have to...clip my cat's toenails.  I've been putting it off for months, and then I have to...sharpen all my kitchen knives.  They've gotten really dull.  But my people will be in touch with your people, for sure.

Written by Diana Shapiro
photo courtesy of


  1. !Te estas riendo pero para mi no fue nada facil entrevistar a Kellyanne!