Sunday, May 1, 2016

Perfectly Good Date Ruined by Foul Manners

Barbarian Tracy Lawrence licks her plate
 Berkeley, CA

Last night, a perfectly good first date was ruined when Tracy Lawrence (37) picked up her plate to lick the remaining bechamel sauce from her delicious vegetable lasagna.  Her date, Ron Crystal (43), watched helplessly as the spectacle unfolded.   

'Il Goloso' is a trendy Italian restaurant in Berkeley's popular 'Gourmet Ghetto'   serving fresh, homemade dishes and excellent wine. 'Il Goloso' caters to a refined, well-mannered clientele.  No one on staff had ever witnessed behavior remotely as barbaric as what they saw last night.

"This is a tasteful establishment," comments owner Nolicki D'Plati.  "I have never seen such grotesque behavior here before.  People like Tracy Lawrence should be eating in a cage at the Oakland zoo, not in my fine restaurant."

Ron Crystal, Tracy's date, is disappointed, yet relieved that Tracy revealed her true nature on the first date.   "Mostly, I'm having a lot of self-doubt about my taste in women...I mean, she really seemed like a nice girl when I asked her out.  Who knew she would turn out to be such a monster?  The whole incident has me very shaken up."  

Crystal was not the only patron to be shaken up by last night's incident.  Some walked out.  Others remained in their seats, frozen in horror.

David Ricci (48) complains, "Is there no refuge for well-behaved people in these savage times?"  

Estelle Goldman (76) remarks, "It's bad enough I had heartburn from the tomato sauce, but should I also have to dine with Godzilla?  I tell you, I feel sorry for that poor man." 

Berkeley police escorted Tracy Lawrence out of Il Goloso in handcuffs.  Late last night, Nolicki D'Plati decided to drop charges of public endangerment, given that no one suffered physical harm during the incident.  Lawrence met with the Rotting Onion to tell her side of the story, however, since she was talking with her mouth full of food, our reporter was too disgusted to carry out the interview. 

Written by Diana Shapiro
Photo courtesy of


  1. Funny! Loved Nolicki Di Plati. AND, I woke up this morning from a dream where I was doing the same thing! -Kate