Friday, May 24, 2013

House Cats Claim Media Discrimination

Cats Rally for Media Inclusion

Hollywood, CA 

House cats gathered in front of Universal Studios today in a peaceful rally against media discrimination. 
Several dozen felines attended the event, their first time speaking publicly about the lack of television and movie roles available to cats as compared to dogs, and calling upon compassionate and fair-minded humans to take up the cause. By the end of the day, a new organization, Media Equality Warriors (MEW) was born, comprised of feline actors, concerned feline movie-goers and supportive human allies.

Historically, canine stars have greatly outnumbered their daintier counterparts on television and on the big screen.  Millions know and love Toto, Benji, Lassie and Beethoven, for example, but how many can name more than one famous movie cat?  On television, dogs have landed  important commercial roles as well as many supporting roles in family sitcoms.  Not only are canine roles more numerous, but they are also more lucrative.

Cream Puff, spokescat for MEW, told The Rotting Onion that feline actors make on average 70 cents to the dollar compared to their canine counterparts.  In cat terms, that means only 1.3 cans of Friskies Seafood Pate compared to 2 full cans of Mighty Dog Porterhouse Steak by Purina.  "The discrimination will either end peacefully," declared Cream Puff, "or we will have to resort to radical measures, such as incessant, whiny meowing, and weaving in and out of people's legs until they lose their balance."

Against all odds, one cat has burst through the glass ceiling that has kept so many feline actors from success. Morris the Cat, known for being the "most finicky cat in the world," has faithfully represented 9 Lives brand cat food for many years and even starred in a couple of films.  Morris attended today's rally and addressed an adoring crowd.

"It was a different time when 9 Lives hired me back in 1969," Morris began.  "The Civil Rights movement was underway as was the Women's Liberation movement.  Gays, lesbians and transgenders had just rioted for the first time at the Stonewall.  Freedom was in the air.  Riding high on the social change that was happening all around me, and perhaps a bit  too much catnip as was common in those days, I marched right into that 9 Lives audition with my head held high.  I said, 'Who better to represent your cat food than I, a bona fide 9 Lives customer and a talented actor of the highest caliber?'  And the rest is history."

In the crowd, excited cats yowled their support.  "From the beginning," continued Morris, "they have tried to animate our roles.  This is how we ended up with such caricatures as Felix, Sylvester, Tom, and Garfield, just to name a few.  These animated cats are depicted as vicious, ill-tempered simpletons, and they are terrible role models for our kittens.  I urge you, my friends, in these conservative times we live in, to continue fighting for equal rights on behalf of the entire feline race.  Start with peaceful demonstrations such as these, and if that doesn't work, turn up the heat.  If all else fails we will resort to our most powerful weapon."  Raising one leg slightly, Morris commenced urinating right in front of the Visitor's entrance to Universal Studios.  

Though Morris was received as a hero at today's rally by the all the felines in attendance, human supporters  responded more cautiously.  Ken Huang, of Media Action Coalition for Asian Americans appeared rather dumbfounded by the entire experience. "He was at the podium for a long time, meowing and meowing and then he peed.  I am really not sure what this rally is all about."

Huang came to the rally because his organization shares many of the same concerns as MEW.  "Cats are not the only minority group to be discriminated against in the media.  Asian Americans, for example, are notoriously underrepresented and misrepresented on television and in movies."  Huang came today to support the cats and explore the possibility of an alliance.  "I came with good intentions, but I am leaving rather disappointed and offended.  When I approached Morris for an autograph, he just looked at me, yawned and walked away.  What a snob!"

Former California Governor Arnold Schwarzennager attended today's event.  "As a serious and accomplished actor myself, I see these cats as my respected colleagues.  But, I ask them, 'why stop at movies?'  The Republican party of California has always felt that a certain amount of popular appeal as an actor makes one an ideal candidate for political office.  I don't think they should stop until there's a Governor Cream Puff in Sacramento. It can't be any worse than the pussy we have now."

Written by Diana Shapiro

Photos courtesy of and


  1. Good one, Diana! ROFL! GO, MEW!!!

  2. I see a catfight in your future.

  3. So funnny!great stuff!

  4. Dayum:) I daresay that was the best one yet... I'd like to think i was your muse that day:)