Saturday, January 21, 2012

Scandal in the Stacks: New Reality Show Features Indecorous Librarians

Bernadette, Collections Librarian
Berkeley, CA

If you are like most people, you have a secret fantasy about a racy and salacious encounter with a librarian in the stacks.  Perhaps your fantasy librarian looks something like Bernadette or Horace.  And if you are like most people,  these brainy and bodacious public employees have remained hopelessly out of reach all your life.

Horace, Acquisitions Librarian
Sadly, the fantasy that rocked your world years ago is now a distant memory, and an embarrassing one at that.  You probably haven't even mentioned it to your spouse.  Perhaps it has since been replaced by even more lascivious fantasies, such as being marooned on a desert island with Woody Allen.

If you are like most people, here is the news you have been waiting for. Next week, a new reality show premieres on FOX starring eight bawdy, indecorous and dangerously uninhibited librarians.

Bernadette is a recent Ivy League grad who spent the last four years getting  straight A's while her friends let loose at wild parties and dated gorgeous, young hunks.  She is on a mission to make up for lost time, and she wants Horace to relieve her of her innocence.  Horace is ridiculously oblivious to Bernadette's advances and spends all of his free time playing Dungeons and Dragons with his buddy, Clarence. 

Clarence is involved in a passionate, epistolary relationship with Dotty, twenty years his senior.  Dotty, an unapologetic cougar, is carrying on a secret tryst with Martha. "I love Clarence," Dotty tells the camera, "but a woman of my intellect always has at least two books going at a time, if you know what I mean."  Alfred is in love with Edwin, who is sadly addicted to reading pornographic limericks on the Internet.  Martha, Dotty's paramour, is in love with Alfred, but fears that a union between a Curator and a Library Assistant could never be accepted in today's society.

Then, there's Faith, the sultry Metadata Librarian.  No one understands exactly what it is that a Metadata Librarian does, but she has a reputation as a hard worker due to the long hours she puts in.  Little does anyone know that Faith has a dreadful, undiagnosed case of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and spends all day purchasing snow globes on Ebay and arranging and re-arranging the extensive snow globe collection she already has.  "I like them because they are so practical," she admits on camera.

The pilot episode airs next Wednesday night at 9 p.m P.S.T.  David Madden, President of FOX Television Studios, warns viewers that this show does have adult content and may not be suitable for anyone.  Madden told the Rotting Onion, "We're very proud to have tapped into a deeply depraved aspect of the human psyche.  We sincerely hope that Scandal in the Stacks will appeal to the basest qualities in all of its viewers and fans."

Scandal in the Stacks premieres on Wednesday at 9 p.m. on FOX and stars Bernadette, Horace, and:

Alfred, Library Assistant
Dotty, Cataloguing Librarian
Edwin, Electronic Resources Librarian
Martha, Curator

Clarence, Reference Librarian

Faith, Metadata Librarian

Written by Diana Shapiro


  1. I think Faith is miscast . She is definitely to hot for this group.

  2. I love this one, Diana. It was even funnier the second time I read it. Having worked in libraries, however, I think you should have included at least one very out, very butch dyke. But I do like Bernadette and Martha (THEY should be a couple!) The paragraph about David Madden is the best!
    Loved it! Kate