Friday, July 6, 2012

U.S. Postal Service to Sell Hamburgers?

The U.S. Post Office may soon sell hamburgers
Anytown, U.S.A.  

The U.S. Postal Service is in deep financial crisis and can no longer support itself.  Fortunately, this serious issue is being creatively addressed by Republican Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney.

"Selling stamps just isn't profitable anymore," declares Romney.  "If I'm elected President, USPS will discontinue selling stamps and sell hamburgers instead.   All Americans love hamburgers.  It's hard to believe that in three and a half years as president, Mr. Obama hasn't thought of this." 

President Obama called the idea "ridiculous" and accused Mr. Romney of "insulting the intelligence of the American people."

Donald Trump, billionaire mogul and staunch Republican, spoke out on behalf of Romney.  "If Mr. Obama is against the hamburger proposal, that's just bad business. Let me see the man's birth certificate.  I doubt if he's even an American."

U.S. Representative Michelle Bachmann (R-MN) adds that "God loves hamburgers and God loves America.  If Mr. Obama does not care for hamburgers, then he is against God and America and everything that is good, pure and right with the world."  When asked how she knows that God loves hamburgers, Bachmann replied, "Well, why else would He have made ketchup, mustard and pickles?"

K.D. Lang, famous Canadian singer and vegetarian/animal rights activist, condemned the beef indsutry in a strong  public statement on behalf of the President, saying, "I support Mr. Obama's position."

 In response to Ms. Lang's inflammatory remarks, Chuck Wagon, spokesperson for United Beef Companies of America, issued the following statement,  "Ms. Lang is a Canadian extremist of the worst order and should just butt out.  Mr. Obama is Hawaiian and therefore should stick to hula dancing and taro farming."

In a press conference this morning, Mr. Obama clarified that he does, in fact, like hamburgers (medium well, to be specific, with ketchup, mustard, and pickles.)  "In fact," he began, "I attended a barbecue on July 4th and had a delicious hamburger."  When asked if he had any further comments on the issue, Mr. Obama remarked, "I like a little potato salad on the side, some grilled corn, and a nice cold Coca-Cola to wash it all down with."

Written by Diana Shapiro
Photo courtesy of

1 comment:

  1. Love it, especially Bachmann's comment. ROFL! -Kate