An apology, Donald Trump Style

 

Washington D.C. 

The moment we have all been waiting for is finally here.  In a uncharacteristically somber moment, President Trump issued an apology to the American people for trying to overturn the democratic election of Joe Biden/Kamala Harris, for failing to respond to the global pandemic and allowing over 300,000 American deaths, for disrespecting women, for not taking a firm stand against white supremacy and extremism, and more generally for being a "nudnik" over the past four years.

"I have been a nudnik," he told the press, "but I have done a tremendous job of it.  No one in all of American history, except possibly Richard Nixon, has been a bigger nudnik than I have," he boasted.

"Everything I said and did was with the intention to  benefit the American people.   And occasionally I may have been wrong," he continued, "but at least I didn't use my personal email account for government business, like Hillary Gorillary.  And I'm not the smooth-talking seductive type like Bill Clinton. (Women know exactly how little I respect them before I grab  them by the you-know-what).  I never said I was a perfect person, although come to think of it, I'm closer to perfect than anyone else I know."  Trump flashed his winning smile.  

To conclude the press conference, President Trump, as only he would, congratulated himself for the outstanding apology.  "Wow, " he began, "this has been  the most long-awaited, the most televised, and the most tremendous apology anyone has ever made.  If I'd have known just how good I would be at it, I might have considered doing it years ago.  My own brilliance never ceases to amaze me." 

-Photos courtesy of Capital Gazette and WMNU-FM