Oakland Couple Cannot Decide Where to Move

 

Two years ago, Ben Toolong and May Kalapz decided to move out of their Oakland, CA home.  But why are they still there??!!

In 2017, The Rotting Onion reported on Ben and May, a hard-working Oakland  couple in dire need of a vacation, yet unable to agree on where to go.  (See: https://therottingonion.blogspot.com/2017/02/oakland-couple-long-overdue-for-vacation.html)  Now, Ben and May have an even bigger decision to make.  They are ready to move out of the San Francisco Bay Area, but where will they go?

Ben and May have spent hundreds of hours pouring over the possibilities.  May's aging parents live in New Jersey, making it an obvious choice.  However, for Ben, who is very sensitive to smell, New Jersey just isn't a viable option, for obvious reasons (no offense meant to our New Jersey subscribers).  

Ben has always loved Hawaii, but May has a heat allergy which causes her to break out in hives when she perspires.  "It's so bad," she says, "that it makes you wish you'd only been bitten by 1000 mosquitos all in the same day." As a result of her allergy, May suggests coastal Alaska, where summer temperatures rarely exceed 75 degrees.  However, Ben has a phobia that makes Alaska a poor choice, having had recurrent nightmares since childhood about being eaten by a 1,700 lb moose.  Although Ben knows that moose are vegetarians, the nightmares still persist.  "It's rough," Ben stated.  "I have a good life--a great marriage,  15 wonderful cats...but my nights are haunted by aggressive moose nightmares.  Not even 10 years of daily psychoanalysis have done the trick."  

Ben and May have been mulling over their options for two years and are no closer to a decision.  Their friends have grown tired of making suggestions.  "I think they're too indecisive to ever leave Oakland," commented good friend and neighbor, Barry Skeptikal.  "After watching them fail to go on vacation year after year, I have good reason for my doubts."  Other friends have told Ben and May how much they will be missed when they leave the Bay Area, only to turn to each other and whisper, "like THAT's ever going to happen" when they believe Ben and May are out of earshot.

The Rotting Onion wishes Ben and May luck in their decision-making process and suggests Ben watch Rocky and Bullwinkle reruns until his fear of moose subsides.