Friday, May 17, 2013

President Obama Announces Temporary Freeze on America's Most Common Names

Washington D.C.  

 If you are expecting a new addition to your family, you can count on paying a heavy tax penalty if you insist on choosing one of ten newly prohibited names announced by President Obama at a press conference this morning.  The moratorium, effective immediately, seeks to dissuade new usage of the ten most common names in the U.S. 

The stated reason for the new policy is that "It's getting too confusing, and to be completely frank, boring."  The President went on to explain some of the hardships that those with common names experience.  "Michelle will be the first to tell you that people with common names have to overcome low self-esteem as children, the sense that they are nothing special.  A name like mine, on the other hand,  makes a young person feel confident and distinguished.  With that kind of a head start in life, there is no telling what American children might achieve.  In fact, if my mother had named me Jim or Bill, I doubt I'd be standing before you today as President of the United States of America."  When asked about Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton,  Mr. Obama simply ignored the question and moved on to the next one.

House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) complained that the new policy is "too little, too late."  In his weekly press conference on Wednesday, Boehner was uncharacteristically hostile towards  President Obama, criticizing him for not handling this sensitive issue in a more timely manner.  "Why the President felt it was OK to drag his feet on this issue for over five years, I'll never understand."

James Inhofe (R-OK), one of the President's fiercest critics, is also antagonistic towards the new policy.  "If this isn't grounds for impeachment, I don't know what is.  The President is, in effect, wasting tax payer money on a non-issue when he could be tackling the real problems that face America today, such as the rising cost of guns and the decreasing usage of A-1 brand steak sauce in restaurants across America."   The Senator went on to explain,  "I understand Heinz 57 and these other rip-off imitations may be cheaper, but nothing compares to the tart, mouth-watering yumminess of A-1." 

Those whose names appear on the restricted list report a variety of reactions.  Michael Rutherford (38) of Hartford, CT is pleased by the new policy.  "It's like supply and demand.  A name starts to lose its value if too many people have it."  On the other hand, Jennifer McDonald (45) of Boston, MA is infuriated.  "It's discrimination, pure and simple.  I used to be a big supporter of President Obama.  I loved his passive position on the Guantanamo Bay issue and I was all for his confusing and ineffective policies in the Middle East.  But this is just unacceptable." 

Meanwhile, in hospitals and birthing centers all over America, couples are facing difficult choices. Should they stick with the names they had already selected for their new babies and shoulder up to $2,000 in tax penalties?  Or should they go with something less common? Those short on cash might want to consider the name 'Barack,' which according to the new policy, carries a significant tax break as well as a signed, autographed photo of the President personally inscribed with an inspirational message to your baby.

Written by Diana Shapiro


  1. He missed two: Zachary and Emily.

    Impeachment, now!

  2. First it is obviously geneder based discrimination i.e. 8 of ten are boys names and only 2 girls names. Second it is ambiguous- e.g. what about Msry Jane or Mary Beth. This will lead to much unintended litigation ( pun in-TEN-ded). The writer of this blog seems to have a name fixation -witness, Joy Luss.