Sunday, May 19, 2013

Surgeons Perform First Successful Personality Transplant


Baltimore, MD

Surgeons at Johns Hopkins Hospital broke new ground yesterday, performing what appears to be the world's first successful personality transplant.  The patient, John McNamara, is recovering in stable condition.  Doctors are watching closely for signs that his body might reject the transplant, but so far, none have been detected.   

"When they wheeled him into the OR," recalls anasthesiologist Dr. Dennis Chiu, "John looked right up at me from his stretcher and said 'You've got to be kidding me. You're the ugliest mother##?!! doctor I've ever seen.'  But when we woke him up after the surgery, he was all gratitude and compliments.  He was a totally different guy."

John's wife Emma concurs.  "Just a few days before the transplant, John asked me not to sing around the house because it sounded like a "yowling hyena giving birth to triplets."  This morning, he asked me how his 'little virtuoso' was doing.  Needless to say, I'm quite pleased with his new personality."

Perhaps most relieved of all is John's ten year old son, Randall.  "We play basketball in the driveway.  Whenever he beats me, he does this obnoxious victory dance and gloats like crazy.  I just hope he grows up a bit."

John's personality has been unpleasant as far back as anyone can remember.  His former kindergarten playmate Jeremy Pepper had this to say, "John was one of those kids who liked to unexpectedly get off the teeter totter while you were way up in the air, sending you crashing down.  This would send him into fits of hysterical laughter."  John's siblings confirm that he was a difficult child who loved to sneak into their bedrooms at night to chop off their ponytails or tie their ankles together so they would fall off the bed in the morning.

 The only person in John's life who objected to the transplant was his mother Grace, who insists that there is nothing wrong with her son.  "Johnny has always been misunderstood," reports his mother.  "He's my sweet angel.  He calls me his little dunderhead.  I don't really know what it means but it sounds so endearing."

John will remain under observation for the rest of the week and if his condition remains stable without any outbursts of unwarranted hostility, he will return home.  "The implications of this are far-reaching," reports Dr. Cheryl Bloom, Chief of Surgery at Johns Hopkins.  "We will be able to improve not only the lives of people with dreadful personalities but also the lives of their  spouses.  Actually, we've already received inquiries from Tipper Gore and Lynne Cheney.

If you think you have an excess of positive personality traits and would like to consider becoming a donor, please contact Johns Hopkins Hospital at 410-955-5464.

Written by Diana Shapiro
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