Thursday, December 8, 2011

Red-Nosed Rudolph in Republican Race!

Santa's House
North Pole                             

 In breaking news, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer has joined the Republican primary race. In explaining his late entrance, Rudolph stated that with all the obfuscation offered by the current candidates, he can surely shed light on the issues facing America today.  In fact, his ability to shed light is the reason Santa first hired him (and his luminous nose) as a beacon to guide his sleigh on that fateful Christmas night over seventy years ago.

On domestic policy, Rudolph espouses traditional conservative values.  He does not generally believe in handouts, which is why it is only children who receive gifts under the chimney every December 25th.  "The second they turn eighteen, I cross them off my list," explains Rudolph.  "Giving them free Christmas gifts at that point would only breed weakness and dependence."   Rudolph is also against raising taxes on wealthy corporations, such as Mattel and Milton Bradley, who have contributed generously to his campaign.   As to his religious views, Rudolph is staunchly pro-Christmas.  If elected, Rudolph's first presidential decision will be to declare Christmas a national holiday.

Republican contenders have pointed out Rudolph's nose as evidence for an alleged drinking problem, a claim which he emphatically denies.  Rudolph claims to have rosacea, a skin disease that causes redness on facial skin.  This disease, which afflicts an estimated 16 million Americans, often causes significant social and occupational problems.  "Rosacea runs in my family," claims a tearful Rudolph.  "This is why the other reindeer used to laugh at me, call me names, and not let me join in any reindeer games."

In matters of foreign policy, Rudolph believes himself to be especially qualified.   Not only can he see Russia from his North Pole abode, but he also travels all over the world to deliver toys on Christmas night.

Unlike some of the other Republican candidates, Rudolph has no sex scandals or divorces in his background.  In fact, he has lived a chaste, almost monastic life in the North Pole.  He briefly courted a reindeer named Clarice during a stop motion television animation special in 1964 and another named Zoey during an animated feature-length film in 1998, but neither courtship led to marriage or offspring.    

One issue that distinguishes Rudolph from his Republican counterparts is his unequivocal stance on animal rights.  "Animals are people, too," says Rudolph, "and we want the same rights to become filthy rich at the expense of others that all Americans cherish."

One thing is clear.  If Rudolph wins the Republican nomination and goes on to secure the presidency, he will "go down in history" just as Bing Crosby predicted, as the first mammal to break the species barrier in American politics.  

Written by Diana Shapiro and Alan Shapiro
Photo courtesy of


  1. FABULOUS! If I were a Republican, he'd have my vote! Go, Rudolph!

  2. another brilliant piece!

  3. Rudolph's got my vote - that is if I were voting Republican.