Thursday, March 31, 2011

Xena and Gabrielle On Stage in Las Vegas

Xena and Gabrielle at Caesar's Palace
 Las Vegas, NV

Xena, Warrior Princess, and her sidekick Gabrielle, are currently performing at Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas, NV.

After years of roaming Ancient Greece defending the innocent from brutal warlords and malevolent gods, Xena and Gabrielle have taken their act to Caesar's Palace, where Xena performs acrobatics every Friday night while Gabrielle pole dances seductively, using her wooden staff.

Xena has not been televised since 2001, yet she and Gabrielle have continued to fight evil tirelessly and  face the demons of their traumatic pasts.  All this without stopping to eat or change clothes.  Just what have our fearless heroines been doing over the past ten years?

"Oh, this and that," says Xena.  "Most notably, we helped to bring peace between the women of the isle of Lesbos and the Amazon tribe,  whose age old rivalry caused them to occasionally explode into terrible brawls in which they would barbarically  wrestle each other to the ground, often ripping clothing off mercilessly.   The Greek public was clearly very concerned about the situation because photos of the brawls always made front page headlines.  Anyway, now the Lesbians and the Amazons are so fond of each other that they co-host an all-women's folk music festival every summer, not to mention an annual golf tournament and a softball league."

The 17 years of hard work have taken their toll on the aging Warrior Princess and Amazon Queen.

"I'm physically and emotionally exhausted," admits Gabrielle.  "Xena suggested we take a little break...I've joined a support group for women whose first husbands were murdered by evil villains and who have given birth to demon children whom they later had to kill. It's the only place where I feel people really understand me."

Xena, too, welcomes the break from long hours and poor working conditions. "By the gods, these all-you-can-eat buffets are fantastic, but what I'm enjoying most is being more open about my relationship with Gabrielle."  Does this mean the rumors are true?  "You don't think I wear this leather outfit all for my own benefit, now do you?" replies Xena.  Is the heroic duo in love?  "Sure as Julius Caesar is a rotten specimen of evil, good-for-nothing  pond scum."

Julius Caesar, renowned Roman Emperor, is a sworn enemy of Xena.  In their youth, they  had a torrid love affair, after which Caesar betrayed Xena and left her for dead.  Every subsequent encounter with the Roman has been nothing but bad news for the Warrior Princess.  Xena's decision to work for Caesar's Palace has shocked her loyal and concerned audience.  Among her fans, there exists some controversy as to whether Xena has "sold out" or whether she is actually on an undercover mission to take revenge against Caesar, once and for all, by penetrating his fortress. Concerned viewers from all over the globe have been emailing and tweeting, all wanting to know whether this recent move is part of larger plan .  The Warrior Princess remains tight-lipped on the subject of Caesar.  "You'll just have to wait and see," she says with a glint in her eye and a slightly psychotic grin.

The performance itself is a must-see.  Shows have been selling out weeks ahead of time, surpassing even Cirque du Soleil in popularity.  The act consists of Xena doing multiple aerial flips while cackling the way only she can.  Xena also dazzles the audience by throwing her magical chakram (a metal disc that always returns to Xena after she throws it) around the auditorium, removing any hair pieces or wigs spectators might be wearing, without actually harming anyone.  Meanwhile, Gabrielle dances seductively in the aisles with live music from an authentic Greek chorus.  Spectators are warned not to try to slip money inside Gabrielle's skirt.  Those who have ignored the warning have been knocked senseless by the Amazon Queen. 

 Performances are Fridays at 8 p.m.  Tickets are available at the Caesar's Palace Box office for 50 dinars.  Special musical guest star: Joxer the Mighty.

Written by Diana Shapiro
Photo courtesy of DS Bauden


  1. you think I can get the phone number for Gabrielle's support group???

  2. Hola Diana!
    Brilliant! AMAZONINGLY well written!
    Ana :-)