Saturday, July 2, 2011

Babies Protest Mushy Food

Angry babies protest mushy food
Berkeley, CA

Does your baby cry before being fed?  After?  Contrary to popular belief,  babies do not cry from hunger or from indigestion.   After thousands of years of misunderstanding, babies in Berkeley, CA are now coming forward to tell the truth about their tears.

Johnnie Jr., (16 months), also known as 'Little Man,' spokesperson for Babies Against Mush! Babies Are Mad! (Bam! Bam!) explains, "we cry before the meal in anticipation of the disappointment that awaits us:  mush again, just like yesterday and the day before and the day before that.    Then, we cry after the meal in an attempt to communicate just how we feel about the mush.  Could we be any clearer?  I don't think so, yet grown ups never get it.  Thanks to sign language, we have finally broken the silence."

Ironically, Berkeley is known for a local culture that values healthy, pesticide-free, organic and free range food.  Berkeley ranks among the nation's highest, per capita, cities for natural food stores and  farmer's markets (as well as hippies, palm readers, and stoners).  Progressive Berkeley parents generally pride themselves on feeding their children wholesome foods and being attuned to their babies' deepest feelings and needs....that is, until now.

Parents across this small Bay Area city are reacting with shock and guilt to the new information.

Valerie Baron, 28, hemp basket maker and mother of twin girls in South Berkeley, reports, "I can't believe it!  I've been feeding my babies nothing but blended, fresh, seasonal, organic food,  thinking I was doing the best for them.  I just feel terrible about it."

Betty and Barney Schubert, owners of a local head shop and parents to a baby boy in Central Berkeley report, "We can't believe it!  We've been feeding our baby nothing but blended, fresh, seasonal, organic, vegetarian, macrobiotic food that we grew in our  backyard vegetable garden, thinking we were doing the best for them.  We just feel terrible about it."

Michael Silverman, medical marijuana dispenser and single father of two baby boys in North Berkeley reports, "I can't believe it!  I've been feeding my babies nothing but blended, fresh, seasonal, organic, vegetarian, macrobiotic,  homegrown, gluten free, unsweetened food, thinking I was doing the best for them.   I just feel terrible about it."

Despite these parents' best intentions, their children are angry, and not just a little angry.  Jenny (13 months), better known as 'Gumdrop', explains, "We're angry not only for ourselves, but also on behalf of babies all over the world, especially the uneducated ones who don't know how to use sign language to speak to their parents.  How many more babies will have to spit up after meals to express their dissatisfaction?  How many more will have to burp?"

"It's not that I don't appreciate my  parents' good intentions," says Spencer (15 months), also known as 'Shnookums,' "it's just that I don't really feel full unless I've eaten something crunchy."

"The worst part of all of this," says Emily,  (14 months), lovingly known as 'Pumpkin', "is that within a couple years, we will have absolutely no recollection of our aversion to mushy food or even our efforts to band together in protest.  Our memories will betray us.  We are completely dependent on our parents and the media to carry our message forward."

For this reason, Berkeley parents are currently working on a documentary film about Bam! Bam! and its message.  The documentary, produced by Frito-Lay, makers of various, delicious crunchy snacks, is expected to hit theaters next summer.  Says parent Sheila Abrams, "All proceeds from the film will go towards the purchase of Cheese Doodles and Doritos for our little angels."

Written by Diana Shapiro
Photo courtesy of

1 comment:

  1. I think that the babies have it right. Any raw foodie will tell you that you want the veggies straight from the garden to the table. Mush...uggh ! The babies are a step ahead. As we speak I am forming AACDD i.e. Americans Against Cheese Doodles and Doritos- eat natural and raw. Alan Shapiro