Saturday, May 25, 2013

Republican Diet Deficient in Insoluble Fiber

Georgetown University Hospital
Washington D.C.

Romney suffering from
of a low fiber diet

Obama smiles after bulk-
forming kale salad



Dieticians from Georgetown University Hospital announced the astounding results of a six-year bipartisan nutritional study. Their findings indicate that the primary difference in diet between Democrats and Republicans is their intake of insoluble fiber, the gut-healthy fiber that adds bulk to the diet, helps prevent constipation, and speeds up the passage of food and waste through the gut.

While Democrats tend to favor high fiber foods (i.e. whole grains, seeds, nuts, broccoli, cabbage, dark leafy vegetables), Republicans favor a low fiber diet, rich in meat and refined carbohydrates.

"This really explains a lot," reports Belle Pepper, Chief Dietician at Georgetown University Hospital.  "Now, when I see our handsome President's smiling face, I think to myself, 'He must have just had a really nice, satisfying bowel movement.  On the other hand, when I look at the tension on Mitt Romney's face, I'm thinking, 'The poor guy has been stopped up for days.'"

The study proved only that there is a correlation between Republicans and low fiber diets, not a cause and effect relationship.  "That's right," explains Pepper.  "All we can say for sure is that those Republicans in Congress deserve our respect because not only do they do a hard job, they do it while experiencing tremendous posterior discomfort."

Arlen Specter, D-PA, served as a Congressional Republican for five terms before changing his party affiliation to Democrat in 2009.  "I can only speak for myself," he began.  "When my wife insisted we eat more roughage back in 2008, it really loosened me up.  I opened up to the way things are constantly flowing and transforming, rather than always wanting to hold on to things from the past.  And I mean that in more ways than one."

The Great Broccoli Debacle

In 1990, Former President George H.W. Bush told the world, "I do not like broccoli...and I'm not going to eat any more broccoli."  Previously, the Republican party had no official position in regard to broccoli or any other vegetable.  Twenty-two years later, anti-broccoli sentiment runs so high within the GOP that any Republican who admits to liking it is viewed as a potential liberal in disguise.

Christie laments Republican
views towards broccoli

New Jersey Governer Chris Christie (R) laments that he used to get enough dietary fiber by including a goodly amount of broccoli in his diet. "I cut it out because of party loyalty.  I must say I have been rather uncomfortable ever since."

Senator Boxer is unapologetic
about her taste for broccoli
Meanwhile, on the other side of the aisle, Democrats are eating broccoli to their hearts' content.  As a result, they look a little more relaxed, a little less pained.

Senator Barbara Boxer (D-CA) is quite vocal in her support for the controversial vegetable.  "I do like it.  Steamed.  Boiled.  Pan fried.  You name it."

The relaxed facial expression sported by Boxer and some of her Democratic colleagues  is not lost on Christie.  "I remember the days when I used to feel like that," he observed with tears in his eyes.

Gore after steak dinner.  He barely touched
 the steamed vegetables served on the side
Although the Georgetown University Hospital study is quite illuminating, one mystery remains. In two words, Al Gore.   

"Democrats must not get complacent, " warns Pepper, "because if they forget to eat their fruits and veggies, they're just as prone to the unpleasant consequences as their friends across the aisle." 

Written by Diana Shapiro
Photo of Mitt Romney courtesy of
Photo of Barack Obama courtesy of
Photo of Chris Christie courtesy of
Photo of Barbara Boxer courtesy of
Photo of Al Gore courtesy of


  1. Ah, that explains why so many Republican politicians are full of ____. Unfortunately, far too many Democrats have been eating meals at Republican tables lately - especially the tables on Wall Street.

  2. This happened because Republicans are not going to let the government tell them what to eat or not eat. In addition when Michelle Obama tried to introduce healthy eating habits, they suspected a trap. To help this 50% of the population live longer we need to get the surgeon general to recommend fast food restaurants and super sized sugary drinks -- then there would be a reversal of this trend.