Bert and Ernie in Bitter Divorce Battle

Hollywood, CA

After 41 years together, tv’s favorite gay couple, Bert and Ernie, have decided to part ways.  Bert looked more angry than sad at the press conference this morning outside their Hollywood home.   “Finally, I’ll be able to get some sleep,” he said.  “If Ernie wasn’t staying up eating cookies in his bed, he was counting sheep and fire engines.  I haven’t had a good night sleep in 41 years.”

Bert had no shortage of comments for the press.

“For 41 years, I’ve been trying to sit quietly and read a book in my living room. Then Ernie comes in wanting to play a game of tag or sing a song with me.   Do you know I am still reading the same book I started back in 1970?  I can’t get a moment’s peace!  Ernie sabotages everything I try to do and he does it with this big grin that he can’t seem to wipe off his face. Not to mention that goofy laugh. I tell you.  I’ve had it.”

Bert went on to criticize Ernie’s appearance, “He’s overweight.  He’s got no teeth.  And I am so sick of that ridiculous shirt he wears with the horizontal stripes. It’s so 70’s.”  After a moment’s hesitation, Bert added, “Vertical stripes are a completely different story.”

What about all the gay couples who look to Ernie and Bert as role models?  “We’re no role models,” Bert commented, “We slept in separate twin beds for 41 years, you know the ones with “E” and “B” on the headboards?  We never even uttered the word ‘gay’ on the air.  We’re just a couple of pathetic closet cases.  Besides, we barely even get along. 

Now, Ellen and Portia, those are your role models!  They’re out.  They have teeth.  They even change their clothes every day.”

Is either of them already seeing someone else?  “Well, I wasn’t planning to say this,” said Bert with a sheepish grin, “but I have a date lined up with Tinky Winky from Teletubbies next week.  All those rumors about him were true, you know.”  

Surprisingly, Ernie had a smile on his face throughout the entire press conference and had nothing negative to say about his soon to be ex-husband.  “Bert says he’s not going to give me the address of his new place.  How exciting!  This will be the best game of hide-and-seek we’ve ever played.”   

Written by Diana Shapiro