Friday, February 18, 2011

Lesbian Couple Destroys Fabric of Texas Neighborhood

El Paso, TX

Diane Siegel and Ellen Hutchins moved into a quiet El Paso neighborhood last May.  Neighbors complain that the lesbian couple has brought nothing but trouble to this previously peaceful, patriotic, heterosexual neighborhood.  Some go as far as to argue that the very fabric of their neighborhood is being destroyed by the newcomers.

Next door neighbor Ron McPhee bemoans the situation, “Before Diane and Ellen moved in, this neighborhood functioned beautifully.  I had no idea who my next door neighbors were, and I liked it that way.  Now, it’s monthly potlucks and summer block parties.  On top of all that, my wife joined their weekly movie club, which means I have to cook my own dinner on Thursday nights.  I mean, what is this world coming to?  I’m for family values, and that does not include the whole damn neighborhood.”

Down the block, Natalie Winston has her own concerns about the new lesbians on the block.  “They offered to look after my four-year old on Monday afternoons.  They tried to make it sound neighborly, but I think I know what their real intentions are.”  Still, due to a lack of babysitting options, Ms. Winston does let the Diane and Ellen pick her child up from day care once a week and look after him until she returns from work.  “I’ve asked them to stop reading ‘Frog and Toad’ to little Johnny because it’s a homosexual book.  And they’re not to read Dr. Seuss either, because that’s subversive.  I hope to find a more wholesome babysitting situation in the near future.” 

Molly Wyath, a widow who lives four doors down, has decided to take matters into her own hands.  “They have these backyard parties every so often, with hoards of women coming and going all evening.  I feel sure that some sort of orgiastic depravity is taking place, and I intend to catch them in the act.  So far,” she says, “I haven’t seen anything besides some eating, drinking, talking, and the like.”  Undeterred, Molly intends to continue her stake out until some wrong-doing is uncovered.
Steve White, across the street, says his views on gay marriage have shifted since the lesbian couple moved in last spring.  “I had never really thought about the issue before Diane and Ellen moved in, but now I know that a marriage between lesbians would have a direct, negative effect on my wife and myself.”  When asked how this would happen, Steve replied, “I’ve given this matter a lot of thought.”  When pressed for specifics, Steve reddened and said, ”when you’ve thought this long and hard about something, it’s not easy to sum it up in just a few words, OK?”

How do Diane and Ellen feel about their new home in El Paso?  “Well,” Diane began hesitantly, “It’s very nice here, and we’re working on developing relationships with our new neighbors.”  Ellen declined to be interviewed but muttered something about “paranoia” under her breath.

Written by Diana Shapiro

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