Saturday, February 19, 2011

Man Breaks Personal Record on Treadmill That Won't Stop

El Cerrito, CA 

Seventy-two year old Hal Blanford broke his personal record while running on a faulty treadmill yesterday at his local gym.
Blanford normally jogs two miles at an average pace of twelve minutes each.  Yesterday, however, Bradford doubled his distance and did it in record time: four miles in forty-five minutes.

Blanford had this to say about his accomplishment, "Well, I was approaching the two-mile mark and I was sprinting...when I finished, I pressed the down arrow to reduce my speed and nothing happened.  'No problem,' I thought, 'I'll hit the red stop button.' But that didn't work either.  So here I am, alone in the workout room starting to panic!"

Did he consider just jumping off the malfunctioning machine?  "I was afraid to lose my balance and fall.  I figured I'd just better keep running."

At about the three mile marker, Blanford breathed a sigh of  relief as a middle-aged woman entered the workout room.  He asked her to pull the plug on the machine.  That gym patron was later determined to be Irene Hazel, of Albany, CA.  Unfortunately, Ms. Hazel had her ear plugs in and couldn't hear Blanford, so he began gesticulating wildly.

Said Hazel, "Men have some nerve trying to hit on you while you're working out at the gym.  And it's always the older men.  This one looked pretty desperate if you ask me."  After learning why Blanford was trying so hard to get her attention, Hazel commented further, "Well, you can hardly blame me for my reaction.  Just the other day, some dinosaur approached me under the pretense of asking how much longer I'd be on the stairmaster.  I mean REALLY!"

Blanford was saved after mile four by gym employee Jim Enos.  "Mr. Blanford was visibly upset when I pulled the plug on the treadmill," reported Enos.  "I'm not sure why, since it was by far the best workout he's ever had at our gym."

A shaky Blanford showered, dressed, and headed home.  In the car, Blanford looked forward to telling his wife Audrey about his gym mishap.  "She's very understanding," he asserted.

"When Al told me what happened at the gym," Audrey told reporters, "I was appalled."  She went on, "All this time, he's been telling me has no energy to weed the garden, repaint the fence or take our grandson out to play ball.   But he can run four miles at the gym.  What a rat!"

Will Blanford ever get back on a treadmill?  "I would," he answered, "but I don't know when my wife will let me go back to the gym.  I've got a to-do list three miles long."

As for the malfunctioning machine, Jim Enos reported, "We've been recommending it to people who need a boost in their workout.  It's become our most popular treadmill!  I pull the plug when I think they've had enough or when they beg, whichever comes first."

Written by Diana Shapiro

Picture courtesy of

1 comment:

  1. I love these, Diana! You're on a roll....NOT a treadmill!