Lawyers Disappear on Judgment Day

Robert Shapiro just after his disappearance on 5/21

Pleasantville, NY

Have you tried to contact your lawyer today?  Don't bother.  You won't be able to.  In a shocking turn of events, all lawyers, even the Jewish ones, have been swept away in the Rapture. 
Nobody has been able to pinpoint their current location.  But one thing is clear.  They are not responding to phone calls, text messages, or emails.

Mildred Shapiro, wife of well-known attorney Robert Shapiro,  reports, "He was in the middle of a joke on Saturday.  Just as he was about to tell me the punchline, the strangest thing happened.  Robert simply disappeared into thin air.  I was very disappointed.  I really wanted to hear the rest of that joke."

Considering public opinion about lawyers, many people are in disbelief that lawyers could be among the holy, righteous people to have rejoined their Maker on this historic occasion.   Some think it's a practical joke.  Others suspect foul play.  (The problem is that if there is foul play involved, there will be no one to prosecute, or defend,  the wrongdoers).  Still others admit that public opinion may have been incorrect all along.   It appears that stereotypes about lawyers' dishonesty and greed may actually have been a reflection of the envy and jealousy felt by those of lesser means.

Feeling particularly guilty and remorseful today are those who have laughed mercilessly at the expense of the often maligned missing persons.

Carol Pepper, of Ossining, NY, began telling lawyer jokes years ago to ease her social anxiety.  "I find that telling a little joke helps me break the ice with people when I feel awkward or shy.   Yes, I've told my fair share of lawyer jokes.  For example, I used to ask people,  'how does a lawyer sleep?  First, he lies on one side and then he lies on the other'...I must have told that one a hundred times.  I smeared a whole group of people wrongly.  I am a bigot of the worst kind."

Bob Greenfield, of Elmsford, NY, claims that he told lawyer jokes because he was envious of their money.  Greenfield, who earns a modest income as a door-to-door bagpipe salesman, claims that he was only trying to make himself feel better about how his life turned out.  "I won't be telling any more lawyer jokes," claims Greenfield, "but before I stop, let me just tell one more.  Why won't sharks attack lawyers?  Professional courtesy!  OK, that's it.  I'm really going to stop now."

Harold Camping, Christian radio broadcaster who predicted Saturday's Rapture, asserts that he never expected it to turn out this way.  "In my 89 years, I've seen a lot of surprising things.  I've seen the first man on the moon, the atomic bomb, the end of the Cold War, the fall of the Berlin Wall, the rise of the Internet.  But this is the most shocking thing I could ever have imagined."


Written by Diana Shapiro