Sunday, October 18, 2015

Tender Moments with Donald Trump: A Rotting Onion Exclusive Interview

October 17, 2015    

New York, NY

Donald Trump,  Republican presidential frontrunner, showed the Rotting Onion his sensitive side in an exclusive interview in his penthouse apartment in New York City.  He opened up, for the first time, about his painful childhood and adolescence, and his grueling, virtually intolerable, life of fame and fortune.

R.O.  Mr. Trump, tell me something about yourself that most people don't know.

Trump:  Oh well, there are so many things...For instance, I like to take perfumed bubble baths.

R.O.  What else do you like?  

Trump:  I like having my nails done.  I like jelly donuts.  There are a lot of things I like.

R.O.  Is there anything you don't like?

Trump:  I don't like having my feelings hurt.  That's been happening a lot lately.

R.O.  I didn't realize you were so sensitive.

Trump:  Well, I always have been.  Not many people know this about me, but I've had a very difficult life from the time I was a boy.

R.O.  Is that right?

Trump:  Yes, I was born to an immigrant mother, and those were back in the days when immigrants were honest, hard-working people,  Not like the immigrants today, who are mostly thieves and drug dealers.  No sir, my mother was a good woman, probably the last good woman this world will ever see.  Not like women nowadays, who are all ugly and obnoxious.  No, she was the best.  And despite being an immigrant, she spoke perfect English.  Not like immigrants today, who expect everyone to learn Mexican.

R.O.:  Mr. Trump, your mother was from Scotland...but we digress.  You still haven't said what was difficult about your early life.

Trump:  I'm getting there.  Don't rush me!  My father, you see, was a successful real estate developer. That was really hard on me, because I always felt like it was expected of me to take over the family business someday.  It was like I had everything handed to me on a silver platter, and that's pretty hard on a guy.

R.O.  I see.  So. was that what was difficult about your early years?

Trump:  That was part of it.  Then when the Vietnam war happened, I couldn't go because I got four student deferments and one medical one. I wanted to go really badly.  I wanted to be a hero and serve my country.   I've always felt that I missed out on something, you know ?  In my quiet moments in the bubble bath, I think about it with a heavy heart.

R.O.: Mr. Trump, you've been accused of being narcissistic, cold and ruthless.  How do you respond to these assertions?

Trump:  Narcissistic?  Hogwash.  I'm the best, most loveable human being on the planet.  Anyone who criticizes me is out of their right mind.  Cold and ruthless?  I'm a softie.  Last night, I curled up on the couch with some jelly donuts and watched Sleepless in Seattle for the seventh time.  It's my favorite movie.  I always cry like a baby when Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan meet on top of the Empire State Building...  Everyone's got an opinion about me, but you know what? Opinions are like yachts.  Everyone's got one.

R.O:  Everyone's got a yacht?  Isn't that kind of elitist?

Trump:  If you call me names, you're going to make me cry.  Is that what you want?

R.O.  Perhaps not.  Let's switch gears.  What's it like to be rich and famous?

Trump:  I'm so glad you asked.  These days, hardly anyone has sympathy for the 1%.  We are the most misunderstood and oppressed minority group now, which is why we deserve special consideration, affirmative action if you will, for all the top, high-paying executive positions.

R.O.  I never thought about it that way.  Seems like you have a point.

Trump: You bet I do.

R.O.  Last question.  What do you see as your biggest strength?

Trump:  My hair.  It's a trademark.  It's unforgettable.  I fall into a very select group of people who are easily identified and always remembered by their hair.  Crystal Gale, Don King, Dolly Parton, Farrah Fawcett, Art Garfunkel, and yours truly.

R.O.  It really is something.

Trump:  It sure is.

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