Sunday, January 3, 2016

Presidential Candidates Fail to Address Issues of Importance to Americans

Washington, D.C.

A recent Rotting Onion survey reveals that over 100% of U.S. citizens believe that neither the Republican nor the Democratic presidential candidates have addressed their most pressing concerns.

One by one, the U.S. citizens we surveyed expressed disdain for politicians, who sit around all day and take expensive vacations on the public dime.  The issues that the presidential candidates are focusing on, such as jobs, education, immigration, national security, and health care, appear to be of little importance to American citizens, who have much more serious concerns.

Wo Ismee (53) works long, demanding hours as a part-time shuffleboard instructor.  "What I want to know is, what are they going to do about people who park their gigantic SUV's in parking spots for compact vehicles?  These people have no respect.  It seems like both the Democrats and the Republicans candidates are afraid to go anywhere near this issue."

Ivana Manikur  (28), has a successful career as a hand model.  "Most of these politicians have never known hard labor.  I came to this country when I was fourteen years old.  I started with nothing and worked my way up in my chosen career.  First, I was just a finger model, advertising wedding rings and the like.  I'm proud to say that I now model my entire hand, all four fingers and the thumb, advertising creams, lotions, and nail polish."

As the daughter of Czech immigrants, Ivana's top concern is the lack of appreciation that Americans show for Czech culture.  "All over the country, people are talking about discrimination against Latin immigrants.  True, but what about Czech immigrants?  Lots of Americans take Spanish classes, and they learn to dance salsa or mambo.  But most Americans are shamefully weak in the Western Slavic languages and they couldn't dance a polka to save their lives."  She went on,  "My friends are happy to meet me at a taqueria.  But I've invited people to my house for homemade brains with gravy, a Czech delicacy," says Manikur, "and they never show up."

Kekuni Kamali'ihiwamakana'opuma'aole (44) teaches college level Hawaiian basket weaving.   Kamali'ihiwamakana'opuma'aole teaches two classes per day, keeps regular office hours once per week, and spends summers contemplating palm leaves on the beaches of Hawai'i to perfect his art.   "Most of these politicians just sit at their desks in Washington making dirty deals, eating candy, and hitting on attractive, young interns, while people like me work ourselves to the bone to put bread on the table for our families."

Kamali'ihiwamakana'opuma'aole has not been swayed by any of the presidential candidates on either the Democratic or Republican side.  "I'm a simple family guy.  My only vice is that I like to relax after work with a glass of milk and a couple of Mallomar cookies, which I've loved ever since I was a kid. Well, since they are only on the shelves between September and March, that leaves me in the lurch for five months every year!"  He went on to speculate,  "Now, I'm SURE that Nabisco pays big bucks to some of these politicians, which is why they've been pussyfooting around this issue for so many years.  The person I vote for is going to be someone who is willing to stand up to Nabisco, and so far, all these candidates have disappointed me, preferring to stay on less controversial issues like gun control and abortion."

Given that politicians continually fail to address the most pressing concerns of their constituents, it is a testament to our democracy that so many people actually make it to the polls on election day.  Still, unless we wish to see a further drop in voter turnout, it is about time that our political leaders begin to tackle the issues that really matter to hardworking Americans.

By Diana Shapiro
Photo Courtesy of

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