Wednesday, February 17, 2016

Scientists Discover White Fragility Gene

Since the late 1800's, American scientists of questionable moral character have searched for genetic proof that would distinguish the so-called white race from all other races.  Until now, no such proof has ever been furnished.  However, a groundbreaking new scientific discovery shows that people of European origin do have a "White fragility" gene that sets them apart from the rest of humanity.

"White fragility" is a widespread phenomenon  in which white people experience a kind of nervous breakdown when the topic of racism is brought up in an honest way.  Some begin to cackle and then foam at the mouth like rabid hyenas.  Others begin to twitch and then to scratch themselves uncontrollably (often in places that might be better scratched privately.)   Still others
jump up and down repeatedly, telling knock knock jokes, until they fall to the floor in a state of utter exhaustion.  Until now, we did not know whether the White fragility phenomenon was due to nature or nurture.

Thanks to a recent scientific study, we now know that it is nature, and not nurture, that is responsible for White fragility.  The gene, only present in those of European origin, has been isolated and identified, finally establishing a clear distinction between white people and,well, everybody else.

Because it is a dominant trait, every white baby is guaranteed to have it as long as at least one of their parents does.  The trait tends not to show up until adolescence, although it has been argued that the tantrums of white toddlers are nothing but precursors to the "White fragility outbursts" that will manifest at a later age.  The recessive trait, known as the "White stability gene," is extremely rare, and those who have it are generally ridiculed and treated as social outcasts.

Black Lives Matter activist, Hugh Robin Usblind (24), had this to say about the new findings.  "Well, I suppose I can try to be a little more patient now that I know that my white friends are biologically compromised."

As of yet, the scientific community is  not sure whether the White fragility trait can be treated, although naturopathic healers have proposed such solutions as warm baths in potato juice and a strict diet of candied mushrooms.  At this point, treatments are experimental and will, therefore, not be covered by insurance.

Scientist Rich Whiteman (53), credited for discovering the White fragility gene, expressed mixed feelings on the subject.  "When I set out to distinguish the White race," he began, "I was hoping to find some kind of physical, intellectual or moral superiority, not this...So, I admit I was disappointed at first.  But, on the other hand," he went on, "I now have speaking engagements lined up for the next six months and I've been offered teaching positions at various leading universities.  So, at the end of the day, long live White fragility!"

Anti-racist activists of all shapes, colors, and sizes, have expressed dismay over Whiteman's growing fame and success, especially given his nefarious intentions.

The Rotting Onion asked Whiteman what impact his discovery might have in our modern day racist society, in which white people own the vast majority of the wealth and power.  Strangely enough, when he opened his mouth to respond, he began to drool uncontrollably, after which he turned red as a tomato and began to recite the national anthem in pig latin.

Written by Diana Shapiro
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