Thursday, June 1, 2017

Pigeon Afraid of Heights, Forced to Take Public Transit

Prescilla prefers the window seat
Sacramento, CA

Prescilla (2), a pigeon born and raised in Roseville, CA, may be the first bird to publicly admit her fear of heights.  Ever since she fell from her nest as a young chick, sustaining several scrapes and cuts as well as a bruised ego, Prescilla has shied away from flying in favor of taking ground transportation.

Monday, May 22, 2017

House Husband Dissatisfied with Monthly Allowance

Berkeley, CA

Scott Reed, house husband in West Berkeley, complains that his wife, Linda has been shortchanging him on his monthly allowance.  “Back in 2009, I lost my job at Down-and Up Burger.  Rather than look for some other dead-end job, I decided to stay home and take care of the house.”  At that point, Linda took over paying for food, rent, and bills. 

Monday, May 1, 2017

Overpopulation Problem Fuels Anti-Baby Sentiment World-Wide

There are close to 7 billion human beings on earth today, and experts project that there may be up to 10.5 billion in 2050.  

Population growth is one of the biggest challenges facing our world today.   The world population has doubled since 1965, and as a result, parking spaces are fewer and farther between, lines are longer at grocery stores worldwide, and it is nearly impossible to hail a cab.  As frustration levels rise, anti-baby sentiment is increasing.

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

United Flight Attendant Slaps Passenger Who Refused to Eat His Vegetables

Taipei, Taiwan
Alotta Greens Warns Passenger Before
Slapping Him Across the Face

In an incident that has startled and appalled United customers worldwide, Senior United Flight Attendant, Alotta Greens, slapped six-year old passenger, Billy Bianchi, for refusing to eat his vegetables during a non-stop flight from New York to Taipei last night. 

Monday, April 17, 2017

Trump' Appoints The Riddler, The Joker and The Penguin to Top Positions

Washington D.C.

Violating ethics codes regarding the appointment of well-known television villains to important government positions, Donald Trump has appointed Batman's worst enemies to major roles in Washington. 

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Donald Trump: "Deeply Misunderstood"

Washington D.C.

In a press conference this morning, Donald Trump complained of being "deeply misunderstood" by the American people, and stated that "if you would just get to know me, you'd see that  I'm a real pussycat."  The Rotting Onion did some research into the matter and found that the President has indeed been misread and misinterpreted, mostly by competing fake newspapers (with a liberal bent), who have portrayed him as a heartless tyrant when, in fact, he is a God-fearing, humble and kind-hearted family man.

Thursday, February 16, 2017

Exclusive Interview with Kellyanne Conway

February 15, 2017

In an intimate and exclusive interview with the Rotting Onion, Kellyanne Conway gets real about her personal life.

RO:  Good morning, Kellyanne.

KAC: Good morning, and a good, fine morning it is.  I'm fine, too. Thank you for asking.

RO: Uh...yes, you're welcome.  Kellyanne, tell us a little about your childhood.  I understand you grew up in New Jersey.

Sunday, February 12, 2017

The Rotting Onion Apologies for Long Absence

Berkeley, CA
Three Rotting Onion staff members on
November 9, 2016 .

The staff of The Rotting Onion would like to apologize for its long silence since November 9, 2016.  Coincidentally, since the day after the Presidential election,  there was an outbreak of a rare medical syndrome that affected all of our staff writers.

Friday, February 10, 2017

Oakland Couple Long Overdue for Vacation

Oakland, CA

Ben and May researching crime
rates in Mexico. 
Ben Toolong and May Kalapz have not been on vacation in over ten years and are long overdue. The reason?  They simply can't decide where to go.

Ben and May both have months of  accrued vacation time at their jobs. They work long hours, in addition to their many volunteer activities. Burnout set in a long time ago, and they both acknowledge that a vacation is needed, now more than ever.

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Woman Wins Free Trip From Automated Telephone System

Denver, CO

Ivada Nuff (53) made a call to United Airlines last night at approximately 8 pm.  She soon found herself embroiled in the most frustrating conversation of her life.