Red-Nosed Rudolph in Republican Race!

Santa's House

North Pole                             

 In breaking news, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer has joined the Republican primary race. In explaining his late entrance, Rudolph stated that with all the obfuscation offered by the current candidates, he can surely shed light on the issues facing America today.  In fact, his ability to shed light is the reason Santa first hired him (and his luminous nose) as a beacon to guide his sleigh on that fateful Christmas night over seventy years ago.

Republican Hopefuls Compete in Dance-a-Thon Fundraiser

Washington D.C.

Desperate for funds in a difficult economic climate, The Republican National Committee (RNC) has scheduled a  Dance-a Thon to raise money for the 2012 Republican presidential hopefuls.  The event will be attended by all declared and soon-to-be-declared Republican candidates as well as private citizens who have raised at least $5000 in pledges.

After Professional Massage, Senator John McCain Switches to Democratic Party

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Washington, D.C. 

Republican Senator John McCain made a shocking announcement this morning.  After receiving his first professional massage last night, McCain has changed his party affiliation.  The McCains appeared together at a press conference this morning.

Bert and Ernie in Bitter Divorce Battle

Hollywood, CA

After 41 years together, tv’s favorite gay couple, Bert and Ernie, have decided to part ways.  Bert looked more angry than sad at the press conference this morning outside their Hollywood home.   “Finally, I’ll be able to get some sleep,” he said.  “If Ernie wasn’t staying up eating cookies in his bed, he was counting sheep and fire engines.  I haven’t had a good night sleep in 41 years.”

Violence Erupts as Librarians Take to the Streets

Berkeley, CA

Librarians took to the streets late this morning, in what appeared, at first, to be a non-violent protest against proposed funding cuts to local libraries.  They marched through downtown Berkeley, carrying signs such as, "Cease the Diminution of Pecuniary Resources!" and "We Hold Nefarious Politicians in Disesteem!"

Babies Protest Mushy Food

Angry babies protest mushy food

Berkeley, CA

Does your baby cry before being fed?  After?  Contrary to popular belief,  babies do not cry from hunger or from indigestion.   After thousands of years of misunderstanding, babies in Berkeley, CA are now coming forward to tell the truth about their tears.

U.S. Airways Enforces Dress Code

Unnamed U.S. Airways Passenger

On  June 9, an unnamed male passenger boarded a US Airways flight from Ft. Lauderdale to Phoenix, scantily clad in women's underwear and thigh high stockings.  He was allowed to fly with no questions asked.  Six days later, a 20 year old passenger named Deshon Marman was taken off a US Airways flight and arrested after refusing to pull his sagging pants up on a flight from San Francisco to Albuquerque.

Jewish Rabbi Dislikes Bagels

Rabbi Kessler shocks New Yorkers with
admission of bagel aversion

Brooklyn, NY

This week, Orthodox Rabbi Isaac Kessler went public with his dislike for bagels, leaving the Jewish community in New York shocked and scandalized. The well-known Rabbi walked into Katz's Deli in Prospect Heights on Monday morning and ordered a cup of coffee with milk and sugar.  Behind the counter, Chava Biali recognized Rabbi Kessler from her family's synagogue, B'nai Shloime.

Ms. Biali, 23, reports, "Rabbi Kessler is very well-loved in Brooklyn.  He attends every baby naming, Bar Mitzvah celebration, wedding, and funeral in the Jewish community, even when specifically uninvited.  He's always there for people, especially when they least need him.  Out of gratitude and respect,  I decided to make him a bagel stuffed with cream cheese, lox, and pickles, on the house!"

 Ms. Biali delivered her offering to the Rabbi's table personally, only to be turned away with a raised hand and a displeased expression.  "I was beside myself, " said Biali.  "The deli got so quiet you could hear a matzoh ball drop.   No one could believe what had just transpired."


Rabbi Kessler claims he was caught off guard.  He had no intention to go public with his rather disturbing and unnatural proclivities and had planned to take the secret to his grave.  Ms. Biali's actions, while well-intentioned, forced him "out of the bagel closet" before he was ready.

Under direct interrogation after the incident, Rabbi Kessler did not deny his orientation towards bagels.  "It's just that I don't like the chewy texture... Plus, they sit like big lumps in my stomach." More softly, he added, "I'm sorry.  I never meant to mislead anyone.  I guess I'm just not the man you all thought I was."

Kessler sent in his resignation at B'nai Shloime on Tuesday afternoon after 25 years of service. He plans to retire and spend time with his family.  His wife, Ruchel, has stood firmly by his side throughout the scandal.  "Frankly, I'm relieved," she reported.  "It's terribly oppressive to live with secrets and the constant fear of being discovered.  Now, we can finally just relax and take up rug hooking like all of our retired friends."






Written by Diana Shapiro

Image courtesy of www.vosizneias.com

Lawyers Disappear on Judgment Day

Robert Shapiro just after his disappearance on 5/21

Pleasantville, NY

Have you tried to contact your lawyer today?  Don't bother.  You won't be able to.  In a shocking turn of events, all lawyers, even the Jewish ones, have been swept away in the Rapture. 

President Obama From Another Planet?

Washington D.C.  

Donald Trump has  launched an investigation today into the possibility that President Obama might be an alien from outer space. 

Patriotism Leading Cause of Adultery in U.S.

After Newt Gingrich's claim that patriotic urges led him to cheat on his second wife, The Rotting Onion conducted a research study to ascertain the validity of his assertion.

Gonzo Speaks Out on Bipolar Disorder

Hollywood, CA 

You may remember him as "Gonzo the Great" or "The Great Gonzo."  Perhaps you remember him as a daredevil, a photographer, a conductor, or a performance artist.  In his hey day on the Muppet Show, Gonzo made a name for himself as a muppet with guts, a muppet with ambition, a muppet who was....well, a little crazy.  Gonzo has come forward today as a spokesperson for Bipolar Disorder (formerly known as Manic Depression), a mental illness which plagued him  throughout his five years on the Muppet Show.

Marriage Under Pressure Over Pressure Cooker

Berkeley, CA

Tim and Laura Ruby have been married for fourteen years.  They have two beautiful daughters and a relationship that many of their friends envy...some of the time. 

Sloths Protest Name-Calling

San Jose, Costa Rica

Seymour has been organizing today's rally since 1991

Two hundred sloths gathered at a treetop outside of San Jose today in order to peacefully protest the alleged humiliation they suffer at the hands of human beings.  Some carried signs saying "Slow is the way to go!" and "Sloths do it upside down and hanging from a tree!" 

Xena and Gabrielle On Stage in Las Vegas

Xena and Gabrielle at Caesar's Palace

 Las Vegas, NV


Xena, Warrior Princess, and her sidekick Gabrielle, are currently performing at Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas, NV.

Rising Costs of Dental Care Lead to Desperate Measures

San Francisco, CA 

Although the rising cost of medical care is well known, the rising cost of dental care has received relatively little press, that is, until now. A growing number of people in the city of San Francisco have begun to take dental care into their own hands, either because they are uninsured, because their insurance is inadequate, or simply because it's more fun.  The results, while a bit unusual, have been largely successful.

Man Breaks Personal Record on Treadmill That Won't Stop

El Cerrito, CA 

Seventy-two year old Hal Blanford broke his personal record while running on a faulty treadmill yesterday at his local gym.

Lesbian Couple Destroys Fabric of Texas Neighborhood

El Paso, TX

Diane Siegel and Ellen Hutchins moved into a quiet El Paso neighborhood last May.  Neighbors complain that the lesbian couple has brought nothing but trouble to this previously peaceful, patriotic, heterosexual neighborhood.  Some go as far as to argue that the very fabric of their neighborhood is being destroyed by the newcomers.

Bathrobes Obsolete by 2025

Washington D.C. 

Due to a decrease in demand among Generation X’ers and Generation Nexters, bathrobes will be discontinued by all major manufacturers in 2025.  Statistics show that only 10% of Americans below the age of 40 wear bathrobes and those under 30 are unable to identify a bathrobe when presented with one.

Palm Reader Exposed as Fraud

Oakland, CA

Madame Esmeralda of Oakland, CA has been reading palms for more than forty years.  Her lucrative business has been in the Fruitvale district since 1970, behind an impressive green awning that reads "Psychic" and a flashing neon sign in the window advertising "Palm Readings $8.