Alleged Terrorist's Jacket Found at Detroit Metro Airport

Detroit, MI

The jacket of an alleged terrorist was found this morning at Detroit Metro Airport.  The abandoned jacket was discovered at 10 a.m. by an airport janitor, who immediately notified her supervisor of the potential security risk.  Airport staff declared a red alert, canceled all scheduled departures and re-routed arrivals through nearby airports.

Man Injured in Romantic Incident

 

Los Angeles, CA

Willy Harmed (52) was taken to the hospital at 5 a.m. after sustaining a severe injury during a near deadly romantic incident.  Willy's girlfriend, Randi Horney (56), rushed him to the hospital with excruciating muscle spasms and swelling.  Neither Willy nor Randi have disclosed the exact nature of the incident, but both agree that it was worth it.

Fear of Heights Determined to be Rational After All

Kombu and Hijiki say that getting
up is "much easier" than getting down.

University of California, San Francisco

After months of scientific investigation, psychiatrists at UCSF Medical Center have determined that acrophobia, heretofore defined as an irrational or pathological fear of heights, is, in fact, perfectly rational.  As a result, acrophobia will be removed from a long list of diagnosable anxiety disorders and those who suffer from it will no longer be subjected to the terrible, debilitating stigma that the acrophobic label once carried.

Buddhists At Risk for Repetitive Strain Injury

Chicago, IL

The American Medical Association warns that certain religious practices, particularly common among Buddhists, may be dangerous to your health.  After seeing a drastic increase in Repetitive Strain Injuries (RSI) since the 1980's, one medical researcher believes he has identified the most likely risk factor. 

U.S. Postal Service to Sell Hamburgers?

The U.S. Post Office may soon sell hamburgers

Anytown, U.S.A.  

The U.S. Postal Service is in deep financial crisis and can no longer support itself.  Fortunately, this serious issue is being creatively addressed by Republican Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney.

Scandal in the Stacks: New Reality Show Features Indecorous Librarians

Bernadette, Collections Librarian

Berkeley, CA

If you are like most people, you have a secret fantasy about a racy and salacious encounter with a librarian in the stacks.  Perhaps your fantasy librarian looks something like Bernadette or Horace.  And if you are like most people,  these brainy and bodacious public employees have remained hopelessly out of reach all your life.

Horace, Acquisitions Librarian

Sadly, the fantasy that rocked your world years ago is now a distant memory, and an embarrassing one at that.  You probably haven't even mentioned it to your spouse.  Perhaps it has since been replaced by even more lascivious fantasies, such as being marooned on a desert island with Woody Allen.

If you are like most people, here is the news you have been waiting for. Next week, a new reality show premieres on FOX starring eight bawdy, indecorous and dangerously uninhibited librarians.