Underage Shoplifter Admits to "No-No"

Caught with hot banana

El Cerrito, CA

Lily Garibaldo (2) has earned the dubious honor of being the youngest shoplifter ever  to be arrested at Trader Bill's Grocery Store in El Cerrito, CA.  Lily entered Trader Bill's with her father at approximately 12 p.m. yesterday.  At about 12:10 p.m., surveillance cameras caught Lily brazenly taking a banana off the shelf, peeling it, and eating it.

Republican Diet Deficient in Insoluble Fiber



Georgetown University Hospital
Washington D.C.

Romney suffering from
of a low fiber diet

  


Obama smiles after bulk-
forming kale salad


.  



    

House Cats Claim Media Discrimination

Cats Rally for Media Inclusion

Hollywood, CA 

House cats gathered in front of Universal Studios today in a peaceful rally against media discrimination. 

Pig Latin Interpreter Can't Keep Up

 

Akash Kumar, UN Pig Latin Interpreter

New York, NY

At 9, Akash Kumar is the youngest interpreter employed at the United Nations.  He holds a very important post interpreting between English and Pig Latin.  As such, Akash plays a vital role in fostering improved relations between the English speaking world and the Pig Latin speaking world.  Such communication is increasingly important given the vital role that pigs play in today's society.

Can't Sleep? It Could Be Your Cat.

Chicago, IL 

 

Cosmo prevents his human companion,
Noah Hope, from falling asleep.

Cats have now surpassed depression, anxiety, and chronic stress as the leading cause of insomnia.  A recent nationwide poll found that cat owners average 4.9 hours of sleep per night, slightly less than those who suffer from depression, anxiety or chronic stress.  Predictably, those who boast both cats and mental health concerns fare the worst by far, averaging only -2.7 hours per night.

Children Questioned in Case of Missing Grandma

Beverly Kaye, 74

Louisville, KY

Brian Kaye, 10, and his sister Anna, 7, of Louisville, KY, were held for questioning regarding possible wrongdoing in the case of their missing 74 year old grandmother.

Male Ladybugs Speak Out

Madrid, Spain

After centuries of silence, male ladybugs are finally speaking out about the humiliation of their species name.  They maintain that it has been an uphill battle for them to be taken seriously as the rugged, virile creatures they are.  Instead, they are seen as dainty, feminine, and cute, an insult to their male sensibilities.

Strict Vegetarian Makes Exception for Jell-O Brand Gelatin

Oakland, CA

Jennifer Rilke of Oakland, California is a strict vegetarian.  In fact, she is part of a small minority of vegetarians, known as vegans, who consume no animal products at all.  Today, Jennifer has publicly admitted to surreptitiously consuming Jell-O brand gelatin for at least two years.  Gelatin is a known meat by-product.

Surgeons Perform First Successful Personality Transplant

Before

After

Hummingbirds Warn Against Unhealthy Lifestyle

Hummingbirds across the U.S. are speaking out with a very serious warning.  Eating too much sugar, they say, combined with overworking, has deleterious effects on one's physical and mental well-being. 

Teenage Couple Has Never Met

Photo of boys cropped together with Photoshop

Santa Rosa, CA  and Fremont, CA

Sam Blescoe, 16 has been dating his boyfriend, Daniel Mendoza, 15, for one year.  The boys live one hundred miles away from each other and attend different schools.  What's more,  Sam and Daniel have never actually met. 

President Obama Announces Temporary Freeze on America's Most Common Names

Washington D.C.  

 If you are expecting a new addition to your family, you can count on paying a heavy tax penalty if you insist on choosing one of ten newly prohibited names announced by President Obama at a press conference this morning.  The moratorium, effective immediately, seeks to dissuade new usage of the ten most common names in the U.S. 

To Trim Or To Pluck?

Lou DeCris Sued Revlon Over
Nose Hair Plucker

Lake Wobegon, MN

Revlon was acquitted today in a small claims case brought
by consumer, Lou DeCris of Lake Wobegon, MN.  DeCris claimed that he mistakenly purchased a manual nose hair "plucker" online, when what he really wanted was a battery-operated nose hair "trimmer".  When he sent the product back, Revlon refused the return.