President Obama Announces Temporary Freeze on America's Most Common Names

Washington D.C.  

 If you are expecting a new addition to your family, you can count on paying a heavy tax penalty if you insist on choosing one of ten newly prohibited names announced by President Obama at a press conference this morning.  The moratorium, effective immediately, seeks to dissuade new usage of the ten most common names in the U.S. 

To Trim Or To Pluck?

Lou DeCris Sued Revlon Over
Nose Hair Plucker

Lake Wobegon, MN

Revlon was acquitted today in a small claims case brought
by consumer, Lou DeCris of Lake Wobegon, MN.  DeCris claimed that he mistakenly purchased a manual nose hair "plucker" online, when what he really wanted was a battery-operated nose hair "trimmer".  When he sent the product back, Revlon refused the return.

Meditator Gains Insight into Everyone Besides Herself

Joy Luss (48), in her meditation posture.

Berkeley, CA

Joy Luss, (48), has been practicing meditation consistently for over three years.   She originally began in order to bring more peace, clarity, and calm into her busy life.

Alleged Terrorist's Jacket Found at Detroit Metro Airport

Detroit, MI

The jacket of an alleged terrorist was found this morning at Detroit Metro Airport.  The abandoned jacket was discovered at 10 a.m. by an airport janitor, who immediately notified her supervisor of the potential security risk.  Airport staff declared a red alert, canceled all scheduled departures and re-routed arrivals through nearby airports.

Man Injured in Romantic Incident

 

Los Angeles, CA

Willy Harmed (52) was taken to the hospital at 5 a.m. after sustaining a severe injury during a near deadly romantic incident.  Willy's girlfriend, Randi Horney (56), rushed him to the hospital with excruciating muscle spasms and swelling.  Neither Willy nor Randi have disclosed the exact nature of the incident, but both agree that it was worth it.

Fear of Heights Determined to be Rational After All

Kombu and Hijiki say that getting
up is "much easier" than getting down.

University of California, San Francisco

After months of scientific investigation, psychiatrists at UCSF Medical Center have determined that acrophobia, heretofore defined as an irrational or pathological fear of heights, is, in fact, perfectly rational.  As a result, acrophobia will be removed from a long list of diagnosable anxiety disorders and those who suffer from it will no longer be subjected to the terrible, debilitating stigma that the acrophobic label once carried.

Buddhists At Risk for Repetitive Strain Injury

Chicago, IL

The American Medical Association warns that certain religious practices, particularly common among Buddhists, may be dangerous to your health.  After seeing a drastic increase in Repetitive Strain Injuries (RSI) since the 1980's, one medical researcher believes he has identified the most likely risk factor.