Jewish Rabbi Dislikes Bagels

Rabbi Kessler shocks New Yorkers with
admission of bagel aversion

Brooklyn, NY

This week, Orthodox Rabbi Isaac Kessler went public with his dislike for bagels, leaving the Jewish community in New York shocked and scandalized. The well-known Rabbi walked into Katz's Deli in Prospect Heights on Monday morning and ordered a cup of coffee with milk and sugar.  Behind the counter, Chava Biali recognized Rabbi Kessler from her family's synagogue, B'nai Shloime.

Ms. Biali, 23, reports, "Rabbi Kessler is very well-loved in Brooklyn.  He attends every baby naming, Bar Mitzvah celebration, wedding, and funeral in the Jewish community, even when specifically uninvited.  He's always there for people, especially when they least need him.  Out of gratitude and respect,  I decided to make him a bagel stuffed with cream cheese, lox, and pickles, on the house!"

 Ms. Biali delivered her offering to the Rabbi's table personally, only to be turned away with a raised hand and a displeased expression.  "I was beside myself, " said Biali.  "The deli got so quiet you could hear a matzoh ball drop.   No one could believe what had just transpired."


Rabbi Kessler claims he was caught off guard.  He had no intention to go public with his rather disturbing and unnatural proclivities and had planned to take the secret to his grave.  Ms. Biali's actions, while well-intentioned, forced him "out of the bagel closet" before he was ready.

Under direct interrogation after the incident, Rabbi Kessler did not deny his orientation towards bagels.  "It's just that I don't like the chewy texture... Plus, they sit like big lumps in my stomach." More softly, he added, "I'm sorry.  I never meant to mislead anyone.  I guess I'm just not the man you all thought I was."

Kessler sent in his resignation at B'nai Shloime on Tuesday afternoon after 25 years of service. He plans to retire and spend time with his family.  His wife, Ruchel, has stood firmly by his side throughout the scandal.  "Frankly, I'm relieved," she reported.  "It's terribly oppressive to live with secrets and the constant fear of being discovered.  Now, we can finally just relax and take up rug hooking like all of our retired friends."






Written by Diana Shapiro

Image courtesy of www.vosizneias.com

Lawyers Disappear on Judgment Day

Robert Shapiro just after his disappearance on 5/21

Pleasantville, NY

Have you tried to contact your lawyer today?  Don't bother.  You won't be able to.  In a shocking turn of events, all lawyers, even the Jewish ones, have been swept away in the Rapture. 

President Obama From Another Planet?

Washington D.C.  

Donald Trump has  launched an investigation today into the possibility that President Obama might be an alien from outer space. 

Patriotism Leading Cause of Adultery in U.S.

After Newt Gingrich's claim that patriotic urges led him to cheat on his second wife, The Rotting Onion conducted a research study to ascertain the validity of his assertion.

Gonzo Speaks Out on Bipolar Disorder

Hollywood, CA 

You may remember him as "Gonzo the Great" or "The Great Gonzo."  Perhaps you remember him as a daredevil, a photographer, a conductor, or a performance artist.  In his hey day on the Muppet Show, Gonzo made a name for himself as a muppet with guts, a muppet with ambition, a muppet who was....well, a little crazy.  Gonzo has come forward today as a spokesperson for Bipolar Disorder (formerly known as Manic Depression), a mental illness which plagued him  throughout his five years on the Muppet Show.

Marriage Under Pressure Over Pressure Cooker

Berkeley, CA

Tim and Laura Ruby have been married for fourteen years.  They have two beautiful daughters and a relationship that many of their friends envy...some of the time. 

Sloths Protest Name-Calling

San Jose, Costa Rica

Seymour has been organizing today's rally since 1991

Two hundred sloths gathered at a treetop outside of San Jose today in order to peacefully protest the alleged humiliation they suffer at the hands of human beings.  Some carried signs saying "Slow is the way to go!" and "Sloths do it upside down and hanging from a tree!"