Underage Shoplifter Admits to "No-No"

Caught with hot banana

El Cerrito, CA

Lily Garibaldo (2) has earned the dubious honor of being the youngest shoplifter ever  to be arrested at Trader Bill's Grocery Store in El Cerrito, CA.  Lily entered Trader Bill's with her father at approximately 12 p.m. yesterday.  At about 12:10 p.m., surveillance cameras caught Lily brazenly taking a banana off the shelf, peeling it, and eating it.

Perfectly Good Date Ruined by Foul Manners

Barbarian Tracy Lawrence licks her plate

 Berkeley, CA


Last night, a perfectly good first date was ruined when Tracy Lawrence (37) picked up her plate to lick the remaining bechamel sauce from her delicious vegetable lasagna.  Her date, Ron Crystal (43), watched helplessly as the spectacle unfolded.   


'Il Goloso' is a trendy Italian restaurant in Berkeley's popular 'Gourmet Ghetto'   serving fresh, homemade dishes and excellent wine. 'Il Goloso' caters to a refined, well-mannered clientele.  No one on staff had ever witnessed behavior remotely as barbaric as what they saw last night.


"This is a tasteful establishment," comments owner Nolicki D'Plati.  "I have never seen such grotesque behavior here before.  People like Tracy Lawrence should be eating in a cage at the Oakland zoo, not in my fine restaurant."


Ron Crystal, Tracy's date, is disappointed, yet relieved that Tracy revealed her true nature on the first date.   "Mostly, I'm having a lot of self-doubt about my taste in women...I mean, she really seemed like a nice girl when I asked her out.  Who knew she would turn out to be such a monster?  The whole incident has me very shaken up."  

Crystal was not the only patron to be shaken up by last night's incident.  Some walked out.  Others remained in their seats, frozen in horror.

David Ricci (48) complains, "Is there no refuge for well-behaved people in these savage times?"  

Estelle Goldman (76) remarks, "It's bad enough I had heartburn from the tomato sauce, but should I also have to dine with Godzilla?  I tell you, I feel sorry for that poor man." 

Berkeley police escorted Tracy Lawrence out of the fine restaurant in handcuffs.  Late last night, Nolicki D'Plati decided to drop charges of public endangerment, given that no one suffered physical harm during the incident.  Lawrence met with the Rotting Onion to tell her side of the story, however, since she was talking with her mouth full of food, our reporter was too disgusted to carry out the interview. 










Written by Diana Shapiro
Photo courtesy of www.smh.com.au

Scandal in the Stacks: New Reality Show Features Indecorous Librarians

Bernadette, Collections Librarian

Berkeley, CA

If you are like most people, you have a secret fantasy about a racy and salacious encounter with a librarian in the stacks.  Perhaps your fantasy librarian looks something like Bernadette or Horace.  And if you are like most people,  these brainy and bodacious public employees have remained hopelessly out of reach all your life.

Horace, Acquisitions Librarian

Sadly, the fantasy that rocked your world years ago is now a distant memory, and an embarrassing one at that.  You probably haven't even mentioned it to your spouse.  Perhaps it has since been replaced by even more lascivious fantasies, such as being marooned on a desert island with Woody Allen.

If you are like most people, here is the news you have been waiting for. Next week, a new reality show premieres on FOX starring eight bawdy, indecorous and dangerously uninhibited librarians.

Family in Uproar Over Grandma's Apple Cake Recipe

Florence Cohen thinks her family is 'meshugeneh.'

Berkeley, CA

Florence Cohen, 91, is a Russian Jewish immigrant, a proud mother of three,  and grandmother of five.  As the matriarch of her family, Florence is known for being generous, kind and hospitable.  She is also known for her skill in the kitchen, most notably her other-worldly apple cake, which she has been making for her children and grandchildren since they can remember.

Anti-Aging Cream Recalled After Unexpected Results

Before

After

Red-Nosed Rudolph in Republican Race!

Santa's House

North Pole                             

 In breaking news, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer has joined the Republican primary race. In explaining his late entrance, Rudolph stated that with all the obfuscation offered by the current candidates, he can surely shed light on the issues facing America today.  In fact, his ability to shed light is the reason Santa first hired him (and his luminous nose) as a beacon to guide his sleigh on that fateful Christmas night over seventy years ago.

Teenage Couple Has Never Met

Photo of boys cropped together with Photoshop

Santa Rosa, CA  and Fremont, CA

Sam Blescoe, 16 has been dating his boyfriend, Daniel Mendoza, 15, for one year.  The boys live one hundred miles away from each other and attend different schools.  What's more,  Sam and Daniel have never actually met.