Friday, November 25, 2016

Trump Family Dog Moves to White House in January

Cupcake Trump 
New York, NY

To celebrate their recent victory, Donald and Melania Trump adopted  "Cupcake," a mixed Terrier puppy last week, who will supersede Bo, the Obamas' handsome Portuguese Water Dog, as White House mascot and companion.

Bo Obama
Melania told reporters that "Donald picked out and named Cupcake" and that she "had wanted a Rottweiler" but ceded to her husband because "his eyes filled with tears when he saw Cupcake at the shelter in her little pink ribbons."

"That's right," reported President Elect Trump.  "People don't realize how sensitive I am.  I took one look at Cupcake and melted."

Cupcake has quickly found her way into the hearts of her new parents.  "She sits on my lap while I watch Saturday Night Live and Rachel Madow," said President Elect Trump.  "I've been crying a lot lately because of all the people criticizing and making fun of me.  Cupcake cheers me up, because she loves me unconditionally...I can even share my deepest, tenderest feelings regarding White Nationalism and Male Supremacy, and unlike everyone else, she doesn't give me any flack.  I've been longing for someone who sees how great I am, someone who worships me, whose whole world revolves around me.  I thought being President would fill that emotional gap, but truthfully, if Cupcake had come into my life earlier, I may not have run in the first place."

Melania expressed similar enthusiasm about the new family member.  "One of the things I most appreciate about Cupcake is that she never barks orders at me, like 'Melania, make my dinner!, Melania, iron my clothes!'  She treats me like a human being and she never, ever grabs me where she shouldn't.  I finally feel like I have some respect in this family."

Written by Diana Shapiro
Photo of Cupcake courtesy of
Photo of Bo courtesy of

Thursday, November 10, 2016

Lord Voldemort Elected President of Hogwarts Academy

Wednesday, November 9, 2016  

In a major upset today, Lord Voldemort was elected President of Hogwarts over Professor McGonagal after losing the popular vote by a 2% margin.  

Sunday, May 1, 2016

Perfectly Good Date Ruined by Foul Manners

Barbarian Tracy Lawrence licks her plate
 Berkeley, CA

Last night, a perfectly good first date was ruined when Tracy Lawrence (37) picked up her plate to lick the remaining bechamel sauce from her delicious vegetable lasagna.  Her date, Ron Crystal (43), watched helplessly as the spectacle unfolded.   

Wednesday, February 17, 2016

Scientists Discover White Fragility Gene

Since the late 1800's, American scientists of questionable moral character have searched for genetic proof that would distinguish the so-called white race from all other races.  Until now, no such proof has ever been furnished.  However, a groundbreaking new scientific discovery shows that people of European origin do have a "White fragility" gene that sets them apart from the rest of humanity.

Sunday, January 3, 2016

Presidential Candidates Fail to Address Issues of Importance to Americans

Washington, D.C.

A recent Rotting Onion survey reveals that over 100% of U.S. citizens believe that neither the Republican nor the Democratic presidential candidates have addressed their most pressing concerns.