Republicans Require Democratic Governor to Stand on One Foot

Madison, Wisconsin

In a rush to pass legislation before incoming Democratic Governor Tony Evers takes office in January, Republicans in Wisconsin have voted to require Evers to stand on one leg throughout his term in office.  The bill, aptly known as the One-Legged Balancing Act, has been criticized by Democrats as a blatant assault on Democracy, a desperate attempt by Republicans to limit the efficacy of the incoming Democratic Governor.  Republicans, however, vehemently deny that the bill had partisan motivations.  Here are some of their arugments:



1)  The ancient practice of yoga utilizes one-legged poses to increase physical and psychological equilibrium.  Standing on one foot, Evers is sure to make fairer and wiser decisions as Governor.

2) Standing one one leg is graceful and beautiful.   It is the only posture worthy of a Wisconsin Governor.


3)  Hopping is both an aerobic exercise and a muscle-builder, which will keep Evers strong and well-conditioned throughout his term, thereby actually increasing his efficacy as Governor.

4) Doctors have linked the inability to stand on one leg as a risk factor for stroke and dementia.  Republicans have Evers' long-term health at the heart of the new legislation.

5)   Scientists have discovered that many species of birds stand on one foot in order to preserve body heat.  Republicans are concerned that, in a cold state such as Wisconsin, a Governor ought to be warm and cozy at all times. A cold Governor is not a productive Governor.

The legislation is expected to reach the desk of outgoing Republican Governor Scott Walker by early next week.  Walker declined to comment on whether or not he will sign the bill, but he did say this.  "I am proud of my two terms as Governor of the great state of Wisconsin.  In retrospect, the only thing I could have done differently was to try working while balancing on one leg.  Nothing I can do about it now.  What's done is done.  I only hope that no Wisconsin Governors after me have to suffer from  the same kinds of regrets that I have."



Written by Diana Shapiro
 Photos Courtsey of istockphoto.com and tailandfur.com