Republicans Require Democratic Governor to Stand on One Foot

Madison, Wisconsin

In a rush to pass legislation before incoming Democratic Governor Tony Evers takes office in January, Republicans in Wisconsin have voted to require Evers to stand on one leg throughout his term in office.  The bill, aptly known as the One-Legged Balancing Act, has been criticized by Democrats as a blatant assault on Democracy, a desperate attempt by Republicans to limit the efficacy of the incoming Democratic Governor.  Republicans, however, vehemently deny that the bill had partisan motivations.  Here are some of their arugments:

Trump Family Dog Moves to White House in January

Cupcake Trump 

New York, NY

To celebrate their recent victory, Donald and Melania Trump adopted  "Cupcake," a mixed Terrier puppy last week, who will supersede Bo, the Obamas' handsome Portuguese Water Dog, as White House mascot and companion.

Bo Obama

Melania told reporters that "Donald picked out and named Cupcake" and that she "had wanted a Rottweiler" but ceded to her husband because "his eyes filled with tears when he saw Cupcake at the shelter in her little pink ribbons."


"That's right," reported President Elect Trump.  "People don't realize how sensitive I am.  I took one look at Cupcake and melted."

Cupcake has quickly found her way into the hearts of her new parents.  "She sits on my lap while I watch Saturday Night Live and Rachel Madow," said President Elect Trump.  "I've been crying a lot lately because of all the people criticizing and making fun of me.  Cupcake cheers me up, because she loves me unconditionally...I can even share my deepest, tenderest feelings regarding White Nationalism and Male Supremacy, and unlike everyone else, she doesn't give me any flack.  I've been longing for someone who sees how great I am, someone who worships me, whose whole world revolves around me.  I thought being President would fill that emotional gap, but truthfully, if Cupcake had come into my life earlier, I may not have run in the first place."

Melania expressed similar enthusiasm about the new family member.  "One of the things I most appreciate about Cupcake is that she never barks orders at me, like 'Melania, make my dinner!, Melania, iron my clothes!'  She treats me like a human being and she never, ever grabs me where she shouldn't.  I finally feel like I have some respect in this family."





Written by Diana Shapiro
Photo of Cupcake courtesy of pinterest.com
Photo of Bo courtesy of Wikipedia.com

Lord Voldemort Elected President of Hogwarts Academy

Wednesday, November 9, 2016  

In a major upset today, Lord Voldemort was elected President of Hogwarts over Professor McGonagal after losing the popular vote by a 2% margin.  

Scientists Discover White Fragility Gene

Since the late 1800's, American scientists of questionable moral character have searched for genetic proof that would distinguish the so-called white race from all other races.  Until now, no such proof has ever been furnished.  However, a groundbreaking new scientific discovery shows that people of European origin do have a "White fragility" gene that sets them apart from the rest of humanity.

Presidential Candidates Fail to Address Issues of Importance to Americans

Washington, D.C.

A recent Rotting Onion survey reveals that over 100% of U.S. citizens believe that neither the Republican nor the Democratic presidential candidates have addressed their most pressing concerns.