Trump Outlaws Ice Cream

 

Washington D.C.

In a most surprising Executive Order, Donald Trump has deemed all sales of ice cream illegal, forcing thousands of ice cream shops to close instantly.

In a very rare instance of complete honesty, Trump spoke out about the new Executive Order.  "I can't stand people being happy.  It's so annoying.  I've tried everything to stop it,  compounding the national debt, taking away people's healthcare, mass firings, invasions of U.S. cities.  Yet, people continue to smile, to have parties, to go to comedy shows.  That's when it occurred to me.   Illegalize ice cream! Even little kids will be unhappy.  It'll be great!"

The Rotting Onion interviewed eight year old Ivan A. Cohn in Richmond, VA, in order to get a child's perspective on the new law. He had this to say, "Whoever made this decision is a real buttface."

White House Press Secretary, Kristi Noem, tried to put a positive spin on the new Executive Order.  "The President feels that America eats too much junk food."  When pressed about Trump's own fondness for McDonalds, Noem became defensive.  "Quit complaining.  You can still eat frozen yogurt.  For now."

Right after signing the executive order, Trump sent Tulsi Gabbard to seize all ice cream from Fulton County, GA.  Why Fulton County?

In another rare instance of honesty, Trump had this to say.  "It's especially annoying when Democrats are happy.  Especially Black democrats.  That is something I absolutely won't tolerate."

When asked where the ice cream from Fulton County was taken to, Trump did not answer in words, but still managed to get his point across.

It was later determined that all the ice cream had been shipped to a small private location in the U.S. Virgin Islands, frequented by billionaires of both political parties.  Trump admitted that some of his friends plan to visit the private island and would likely partake in the ice cream but states that he, of course, has no intention to go there.  "Or even if I do," he added, "you won't be able to prove it."