Trump Outlaws Ice Cream

 

Washington D.C.

In a most surprising Executive Order, Donald Trump has deemed all sales of ice cream illegal, forcing thousands of ice cream shops to close instantly.

In a very rare instance of complete honesty, Trump spoke out about the new Executive Order.  "I can't stand people being happy.  It's so annoying.  I've tried everything to stop it,  compounding the national debt, taking away people's healthcare, mass firings, invasions of U.S. cities.  Yet, people continue to smile, to have parties, to go to comedy shows.  That's when it occurred to me.   Illegalize ice cream! Even little kids will be unhappy.  It'll be great!"

The Rotting Onion interviewed eight year old Ivan A. Cohn in Richmond, VA, in order to get a child's perspective on the new law. He had this to say, "Whoever made this decision is a real buttface."

White House Press Secretary, Kristi Noem, tried to put a positive spin on the new Executive Order.  "The President feels that America eats too much junk food."  When pressed about Trump's own fondness for McDonalds, Noem became defensive.  "Quit complaining.  You can still eat frozen yogurt.  For now."

Right after signing the executive order, Trump sent Tulsi Gabbard to seize all ice cream from Fulton County, GA.  Why Fulton County?

In another rare instance of honesty, Trump had this to say.  "It's especially annoying when Democrats are happy.  Especially Black democrats.  That is something I absolutely won't tolerate."

When asked where the ice cream from Fulton County was taken to, Trump did not answer in words, but still managed to get his point across.

It was later determined that all the ice cream had been shipped to a small private location in the U.S. Virgin Islands, frequented by billionaires of both political parties.  Trump admitted that some of his friends plan to visit the private island and would likely partake in the ice cream but states that he, of course, has no intention to go there.  "Or even if I do," he added, "you won't be able to prove it."

The Truth Behind Tucker Carlson's Termination from Fox News

New York, NY

Fox news enthusiasts all over the U.S. are scratching their heads over  Tucker Carlson's termination on Monday.  Given the many plausible reasons for the unexpected departure, how can they narrow down the cause, come to an understanding of what happened, and eventually reach a sense of closure?

California Residents Befriend 500 lb. Black Bear

 

South Lake Tahoe, CA

Hank the Tank, a 500 lb. black bear, has been breaking into South Lake Tahoe homes since last summer, rummaging for food.  (Hank particularly loves pizza and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches). This unusual thief eventually won the hearts of South Lake Tahoe residents, who now invite him for dinner on a rotating schedule.

Oakland Couple Cannot Decide Where to Move

 

Two years ago, Ben Toolong and May Kalapz decided to move out of their Oakland, CA home.  But why are they still there??!!

McConnell Reacts to Biden's Intention to Nominate a Black Woman to the Supreme Court

McConnell dismayed at the prospect of
a black woman on the Supreme Court

 January 27, 2022

Louisville, KY

Mitch McConnell, (R-KY), expressed deep concern when Joe Biden announced today that he intends to nominate a black woman to the Supreme Court next month. 

First Germophobic Dog Speaks Out

Mr. Clean lives with the Thompson family in Daly City, CA, but he is not your average family dog.  Sure, he loves a good bone as much as the next dog and has never turned down a trip to the P-A-R-K, but unlike his peers, he also spends most of his waking hours cleaning the family home from top to bottom.

Voter Fraud in 2020 Elections

Wellington, New Zealand

In a democracy, all votes should be counted, but only if they are legal. Some voters use fake identities to cast multiple votes, which throws the integrity of the election into question. No winner should be declared until the identities of each and every voter are verified and it has been determined that they have only cast one vote.

In addition, sentencing for voter fraud should be severe and costly, in order to deter would-be cheaters. Elections have become quite divided as the two sides drift further and further apart. As a result, poll watchers should be allowed to observe the counting of votes from up close.

 

In this week's New Zealand elections, amateurs of forest birds went head to head with sea bird enthusiasts in the 2020 Bird of the Year contest. Yesterday, it was determined beyond reasonable doubt by the Board of Elections that 1,500 fake votes were submitted. As a result, the kiwi pukupuku, a flightless, forest bird jumped way ahead, surpassing the kakopo and the antipodean albatross. The illegal votes were cast in the middle of the night by Internet and the identities of the offenders have yet to be determined. The contest will continue through Sunday. With the illegal votes discounted, the antipodean albatross leads the race, by a slim margin, over the the kakopo.

 

However, kiwi pukupuku enthusiasts refuse to acknowledge that they have fallen behind. "This election is rigged," said New Zealander Ronald Stump. "STOP THE STEAL!" Another kiwi pukupuku amateur, Donnell Crump, was arrested for a plot to kidnap all sea bird enthusiasts until the end of the voting period. Fortunately, New Zealand intelligence got wind of the plot in time to thwart it. The winner of the Bird of the Year contest could be announced as soon as Sunday, but due to the number of mail-in ballots received, it is more likely that there will be a delay of at least several days while the votes are counted. In the meantime, New Zealanders are on pins and needles. Stress eating and trichotilomania (pulling out your own hair) are on the rise as citizens attempt to manage their anxiety. Stay tuned over the next few days for ongoing, round-the-clock, alarmist coverage that increases your anxiety exponentially.

Pigeon Afraid of Heights, Forced to Take Public Transit

Prescilla prefers the window seat

Sacramento, CA

Prescilla (2), a pigeon born and raised in Roseville, CA, may be the first bird to publicly admit her fear of heights.  Ever since she fell from her nest as a young chick, sustaining several scrapes and cuts as well as a bruised ego, Prescilla has shied away from flying in favor of taking ground transportation.

Family in Uproar Over Grandma's Apple Cake Recipe

Florence Cohen thinks her family is 'meshugeneh.'

Berkeley, CA

Florence Cohen, 91, is a Russian Jewish immigrant, a proud mother of three,  and grandmother of five.  As the matriarch of her family, Florence is known for being generous, kind and hospitable.  She is also known for her skill in the kitchen, most notably her other-worldly apple cake, which she has been making for her children and grandchildren since they can remember.

Donald Trump to Volunteer at Local Animal Shelter

West Palm Beach, Florida

Former President Trump, finding himself with more time on his hands recently, has decided to volunteer at a local, non-profit animal shelter.   

"I'm coming to really appreciate animals, dogs especially," said Mr. Trump.  "They're loyal to a fault.  They don't turn on you no matter how much of a jackass you are.  Whatever absurdity comes out of your mouth doesn't faze them one bit.  I think I've found my perfect audience."

Perfectly Good Date Ruined by Foul Manners

Barbarian Tracy Lawrence licks her plate

 Berkeley, CA


Last night, a perfectly good first date was ruined when Tracy Lawrence (37) picked up her plate to lick the remaining bechamel sauce from her delicious vegetable lasagna.  Her date, Ron Crystal (43), watched helplessly as the spectacle unfolded.   

5 Sexiest Men of 2020

 

The Rotting Onion has chosen our 5 sexiest men of 2020!  This year's bad boys are a distinguished group of celebs that will knock your socks off!

An apology, Donald Trump Style

 

Washington D.C. 

The moment we have all been waiting for is finally here.  In a uncharacteristically somber moment, President Trump issued an apology to the American people for trying to overturn the democratic election of Joe Biden/Kamala Harris, for failing to respond to the global pandemic and allowing over 300,000 American deaths, for disrespecting women, for not taking a firm stand against white supremacy and extremism, and more generally for being a "nudnik" over the past four years.

"I have been a nudnik," he told the press, "but I have done a tremendous job of it.  No one in all of American history, except possibly Richard Nixon, has been a bigger nudnik than I have," he boasted.

Million Maga March! Be there or Be....

Million MAGA March on Saturday in D.C.

Washington D.C. 

For all those loyal Americans who refuse to acknowledge the outcome of a fair but morally illegitimate election process, your presence is requested at 12 noon at the Freedom Plaza on Saturday in Washington D.C.  

If you feel that your 1st amendment rights have been violated due to your membership in QAnon, Proud Boys, or other Pro-American organizations, you are not alone.  If you feel that you have been discriminated against in this country for being white, don't back down, for you are in the company of great people who would rather kill than see this democracy continue.   If you feel that President Trump has done a tremendous job of handling the coronavirus epidemic, please don't listen to the families of the 250,000 who have supposedly died from the disease.  It is a complete hoax.  Democrats have furnished no proof that those 250,000 people are really dead.  They might actually be hidden in a secret cave guarded by Democrats, the same cave in which they hide child molesters from would-be prosecutors until their offenses are long forgotten.  

It is time to make America great again!  For the past 50+ years, things are getting steadily worse for white Americans, and it is time to take our country back.  

Right now, the median white family makes 41 x more than the median black family, but do you remember the good old days when that number was much higher?  

Unlike in the good old days, today, 45% of blacks and Latinos now own their homes (as compared to 72% among white families).  There was a time when that disparity was much greater.   Those times were greater, much greater.

Today, the average white working American makes only 28% more than the average black American and 35% more than the average Latino worker.  Our lead is getting smaller and smaller due to reverse discrimination at all levels, affirmative action, employment discrimination, and so on.  For example, white workers have been discouraged in alarming proportions from becoming migrant farm workers, a profession in which Latinos now dominate, intimidating whites by speaking Spanish all day in the fields.   Imagine.

Our once all-white government is now being inundated with extremist Democrats "of color."  22% of the U.S. Congress is now made up of racial minorities.  Given that in the U.S. population, white Americans of European descent still hold a majority 60% of the population, it stands to reason that the government should reflect this majority by excluding members who clearly do not have the well-being of the majority in mind.

In an exclusive Rotting Onion interview with White Nationalist leader, Alotta Crapp, one of the organizers of the MAGA event, she had this to say about Saturday's event. "We need to make this country great again.  I mean let's face it.  This place is hell on earth.  My shithead of a boyfriend left me.  I'm in debt.  I'm fat and out of shape.   And I'm pissed as hell."  When asked what any of this had to do with politics, Crapp replied, "For all I know, my shithead boyfriend probably left me for an illegal.  I'm in debt because all the good jobs are going to the illegals.  And I'm fat and out of shape, well....I guess that one's on me."   

 

Photo Courtesy of naplesnews.com

Easter Bunny May Not Be Deemed an Essential Worker

Hole in the Ground, Easter Island
April 9, 2020

As April 12 approaches, the Easter Bunny is busy laying colored eggs with the hope of delivering them to children everywhere.  However, it remains to be seen whether her work will be considered "essential" in the time of coronavirus.

Pickpockets Speak Out About Coronavirus

Pickpocketing down as a result of coronavirus

Kansas City, Missouri

The economic hardship of the coronavirus is hitting the nation's pickpockets disproportionately.  Pickpocketing is now down 80%, and many pickpockets find themselves out of work, unable to apply for unemployment, and ineligible for federal stimulus money.

Children Passionate About Grammar Engage in Vicious Brawl

San Francisco, CA

Two sixth graders with differing
grammatical points of view

Chaos errupted in a six grade class yesterday, as students at Moscone Elementary School turned violent over a disagreement about the letter "W."  Debate continues about whether or not the letter "W" can be used as a vowel, however it appears that the children are now calm and under control.

Dangerous Criminal Finally Apprehended

Oakland, CA

U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement has apprehended the dangerous criminal, Teodora Mendoza Ramirez, who has been living illegally in California for over thirty years.  In addition to breaking immigration laws, Mrs. Mendoza Ramirez received a ticket for jaywalking in 1997.  Several years later, in 2001, she was arrested for selling hand-sewn cortes and huipiles (traditional Guatemalan attire) to neighbors without a license.  Oakland residents can finally rest easy, knowing that she is behind bars.

House Husband Dissatisfied with Monthly Allowance

Berkeley, CA

Scott Reed, house husband in West Berkeley, complains that his wife, Linda has been shortchanging him on his monthly allowance.  “Back in 2009, I lost my job at Down-and Up Burger.  Rather than look for some other dead-end job, I decided to stay home and take care of the house.”  At that point, Linda took over paying for food, rent, and bills. 

Overpopulation Problem Fuels Anti-Baby Sentiment World-Wide

There are close to 7 billion human beings on earth today, and experts project that there may be up to 10.5 billion in 2050.  

Population growth is one of the biggest challenges facing our world today.   The world population has doubled since 1965, and as a result, parking spaces are fewer and farther between, lines are longer at grocery stores worldwide, and it is nearly impossible to hail a cab.  As frustration levels rise, anti-baby sentiment is increasing.